10 Minutes Of Relief And 23 Hours And 50 Minutes Of Torture

The title says it all for me. I don't even know why I am where I am right now, I've never been overweight or underweight and I am generally happy with my body. I always judged people who who were counting calories, trying to eat light, as I never cared, whenever I went out for dinner I would always go for the 3 course meal. Two years ago though, I gained a bit of weight, summer was coming so I decided it was about time to watch a bit my menu. It wasn't too drastic, I just made sure I wasn't eating sweets on a daily basis and started opting for salads when going out. I had managed to lose around 5 kg quite easily and I really enjoyed the compliments I was getting. Then I started uni, and eating a jar of peanut butter a day (literally!), no exercise, drinking, I have put on more than I had before...I wasn't too worried about it, it was easy for me to lose weight the first time, why should it be hard this time? And so it all began...

I have starting having an eating disorder about 1 year and a half ago. Chewing & Spitting. At first it seemed to be like a great idea, junk food and a minimal amount of calories...but it gradually became a daily habit and some sort of compulsion, addiction. After realizing how bad it was for me, I tried to put an end to it. It would last maximum 4-5 days and as I was sick and tired of not swallowing my food, I began eating normally and somehow I switched to a worse method of keeping those calories away :purging. I used to alternate and/or combine these 2 eating disorders and had days when I all my meals consisted of that. I was feeling so guilty , so every new day I tried quitting, stopping. But at that point it became more like an addiction, an urge, I would not do it because I want to be skinny - I actually gained weight with my ED's- It was a way to relief stress or an activity when I was bored rather than a way to cut calories. I've managed to stay healthy and eat normally, 3 meals a day, snacks in between for maximum 17 days and I felt great! Not only was I proud of myself, but my mood improved as well, I started focusing again on the important things in my life... But about a month ago, I gave in. and the cycle started again. Ran to the nearest supermarket and bought chips, chocolate, whatever I could find, eat it all, feel sick, and purge. Then feel really guilty and depressed for the rest of the day as I realize I have no control over myself.

The funniest part is that on my good days( when I don't binge) I don't care that much if I have a big sandwich or pasta for lunch, I actually feel good about not caring about it. But when I am on a binge, I go to the nearest toilet thinking that the more time that food is in my stomach, the worse it will be. even though realistically 5 minutes won't make that much of a difference.

I have never talked to anyone about this, as most of my friends see me as their rock and probably would laugh if I told them, thinking I am joking and messing with them. I just want this to stop, it's taking over my life
eyesonfire07 eyesonfire07
1 Response May 6, 2012

Does your uni have a counsellor who you could talk to? If they do, I highly recommend making an appointment, especially given that you don't get much support from your friends.