Are There Any Overweight Bulimics.........

Hi, I am just wondering if there are any bulimics on this website that is actually overweight. I know the stigma of having bulimia is that a person is normally already a healthy weight or underweight and just has a warped idea of their body image. But, I have been a bulimic for 12 years and have always been overweight. In the beginning the bulimia helped me lose a ton of weight combined with excessive exercise and for the years following I used the bulimia to help maintain that weight but it was never considered, "the idea weight for my body size." Although, I was comfortable with my body size, which was a 12, my doctor would always say I needed to lose more weight. I use to throw up everyday for up to ten times a day. I would eat something and immediately feel guilty then I wouild throw it up, it could have been something as simple as cereal. Then I would be hungry again, so now I eat the whole box of cereal and that's not enough, so I'll find whatever else I usually deny myself and splurge on as much food as I can before I go through the whole process again. I most say that I absolutely dread throwing up, I dread eating because I know I'm going to have to throw it up and I HATE IT. I hate sticking my fingers down my throat and tasting throwing up, I hate gagging, I hate feeling the food go up my esophagus, through my throat and out my mouth. I hate it so much but as much I hate it, I still love the control it gives me. I say to myself,"yeah I can have those doughnuts and frappe and pizza and cheeseburger" because I have a plan.
As soon as I eat these things, my heart starts to race and I panic and have thoughts in my head that chants,"I need this out of me, I need this out of me now, now, now!" I practically run to the bathroom to throw up, but then what if it's those days that I 'm with someone and we get fast food and I watch my clock because in my mind as ,long as I can vomit within an hour, no damage will be done. I start to get nervous and feel like I'm having a panic attack as that hour approaches and theres nowhere for me to vomit. So I make up something like I have to use the rest room really bad, so we can stop somewhere for me to vomit. I have thrown up in bags, I have thrown up outside behind my house so that no one hears me.
This is so pathetic, my throat burns and I have acid reflux. I know this can cause throat cancer and esophogeal cancer and oral cancer in which case these things freak me the hell out!!!!! But still, I don't stop, and still I gorge on food knowing I have a safety net afterwards. I tend to imagine my life in ten years when I am 41 going through chemo and regretting every single day I tortured myself and self damaged myself all because of not wanting to be something I already am, and that's fat. When I am dying of cancer, none of that will even matter to me because by then I will be losing weight unwilling, which will be irony in the end.
Yet, I don't stop! The other day while I was throwing up something healthy,sweet potatoes, I noticed bright red blood on my fingers and a small amount in my vomit, hence the reason I joined this forum, because I was looking up what this could mean. I made myself throw up right afterwards and noticed no blood in my vomit, my fingers or my mouth. This is gross, but I even started checking my bm's just to see if I notice any blood there, I know this is so sad. I have never told my doctors about this, I afraid to have a scope of my esophagus or throat or even the lining of my stomach becasue the moment I am told that there is damage, is the moment all of this becomes too real!
No one would ever think I was bulimic because like I said I'm overweight. I am officially over 200 pounds, to the skinny minnies on this forum I know that just makes your skin crawl. Mines too, but believe me when I say that you don't have to be a size two to be bulimic. We come through all shapes and sizes and we all have the same thing in common, and that's this disease.
I have a nine year old daughter who looks up to me and I try to teach her to be confident and have high self esteem and have a positive body image of herself, but how can I teach her that, when I don't evn have one of myself. She see's meweigh myself every morning, sometimes ten times a day, I have even hid my scale jut to prevent myself from standing on that damn scale but then I went out and bought two more scales to keep in two different areas of the house, so I can compare the two. I have finally come to realize that I need helpp, I 'm only 31 and I need help. Is there anyone else like me?
freesparrow freesparrow
31-35, F
8 Responses May 8, 2012

I've been bulimic for 4 years and I started out at 250lbs, 5'9. I exercised nonstop and restricted myself and then would get hungry and binge and purge. I hated it, but the endorphins that are released after vomiting made me believe that I liked it, made me feel reliefs. Within a year I was down to 190, and I was so depressed and lonely that I ended up telling someone, and got sent to therapy. I still didn't stop. Years later it's still a part of me. I go through periods of relapse, and I hate it, but as soon as my weight goes up to 200 I can't help it. It's tough to be an overweight bulimic, because you are told to lose weight, which just reinforces the eating disorder. Just be careful.

im a 51 year old belimic and have been for over 25 years ive been up and down but now weigh 240lbs im afraid i will die like this i hope there is help for us

I am 290 lbs but i am 6ft 3 in. I am a beginner bulimic. I won't lie. I am not sure if i want to stop. I like it so far, i know eventually i won't. I hope i have the power to fix it when it's time. I want to be 250 lbs. I don't care about being fat. i just want to be a little smaller. I am sorry for everything you are going through.

You've basically described exactly how i feel, i basically have the same thought process as you daily. Im over- weight at the moment but i fluctuated from being underweight- obese and back again. Iv also had blood in my vomit, id damaged the back of my throat and it was bleeding, and i kept opening it back up every time i vomited. I was lucky it wasnt something more serious.<br />
I had this disease for 12 years and iv finally started to get help. i dont know if its going to work, but that first step of doing something pro active and positive has made a big difference.<br />
For ages i didnt think about telling a doctor because i thought they would look at me and think how can YOU have an eating disorder, youre too fat. i almost felt like i had to lose weight to prove i had a problem! how messed up....<br />
however, in the end, everyone has been really lovely, and taken it very seriously...<br />
i hope you can get the help you need, baby steps, its very liberating xx

I was bulimic for years and after having several small breakdowns I finally reached out and got the help that I needed. It wasn't easy to reach out. It wasn't easy to stop. It's been two years since I reached out and I still battle with feelings and occasionally relapse. I don't knwo if I'll ever have a healthy relationship with food, but just know that it's worth using all your might to battle this disease and battle yourself. <br />
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It is very common for people battling bulimia to be of average weight or even overweight. It's the real ****** up thing about it. You do it to keep your weight down, and it seems to work at first, but it's a complete lie. It's not a process that keeps your weight down. It bloats your face. Causes popped blood vessels in your eyes. Messes with your emotions. Can cause cancer. Erodes your teeth and throat. We are only doing harm to our bodies and minds. Every time I shoved my fingers down my throat, I lost another part of myself. I can't tell you how many times I laid crying on the bathroom floor only to order more food, vomit it up (sometimes in the shower if people were home - then I'd have to clean the throw up out of the tub as to not clog the drain) and lay on the floor crying all over again. <br />
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I don't knwo about you, but I had teeth scars on my hands. They're fading with every day that passes. You can do this, and you CAN gain control. It's not easy, but YOU CAN DO IT. One very, very, very small step at a time. Just know that you are not alone. <br />
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Our culture values skinny physiques. We ob<x>jectify our bodies. We bully each other into unhealthy practices - advertisements being the number one bully. Everything is a complete mind ****. YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND PEOPLE CARE! <br />
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Try to find a therapist or support group. These resources helped me. And please, if you are vomiting up blood, go to your doctor, be honest, and let them help with the damage caused to your body.

I am right there with you honey....I am 38 years hold and have been bulimic for over four years. I never said anything ton anyone until last month. I used to used grocery bags, then throw them ouside, I would pretend to do dishes, and throw up in the sink and turn on garbage disposal, take a bath and us e a big cup that I hid under the sink and pour down the toilet. I told my Dr........and am now on meds that help alittle. But I still suffer everyday. Usually at least 3 times a day I do it.........I try and try not to....but my body is to the point that if I eat a big has to come up. I am at my witts end and don't think the meds are helping. But I am still fighting on. I am 5 foot tall and 214 pounds. It recommend to you

Let me finish from above comment.......tell someone....a dr...a close friend or family member. Its the first step.

Yea I'm average- above weight. I used to be super thin. That's the ****** part... Since I'm reeking havoc on my body, I at least want to be thin! I have always had a really unhealthy relationship w food.

Yes, absolutely! Most bulimics tend to be average weight or overweight. It doesn't mean that you're not suffering, or that you're not as deserving of help as someone who's underweight.<br />
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If you see blood please consider seeing a doctor, you may have torn something. Small amounts of red blood is concerning, and you should seek medical attention, but if you ever see thick or dark blood, then you may have bleeding in your stomach or intestines, which can cause death if not treated, so if you ever see thick/backish blood, please go to a hospital.<br />
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Do you have access to a therapist, preferably one specialising in EDs? I know it can be hard in the States to get access to help, but there are community psychologists available. Please consider seeing your GP for a referral to someone who can help you with this, it's so hard to go it alone and there's no shame in it.<br />
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It's not your fault and you're not a bad person. You don't deserve to go through this, especially all by yourself. Big hugs.