Staring Down At My Feet..

Yesterday was a bad day for me.. I ordered Chinese take out around 3.. I would have eaten earlier but I was stuck at an appointment from 9am - 130pm. I ordered Sesame Chicken (extra spicy), with a double order of Cashews in that.. with Steamed Rice.. the dinner order of course, with a Hot & Sour Soup, 2 Cheese Rangoons,.. a large Sweet Tea.. and a piece of Cheese Cake & Chocolate Brownie.. I waited patiently for it to arrive.. I got an email at 319pm, saying that they were on their way. I watched the clock... seconds seemed like minutes.. finally, at 343pm, they arrived. I laid my white towel down on my bed, had 2 forks, and 1 spoon ready. I laid it all out.. and just stared. I was so excited, I could barely stand it. As soon as the first piece of Chicken touched my lips, I had finished everything within 6 minutes. I felt awful. I felt sick.. I needed it out. I drank the rest of the Tea, and made my way to the bathroom. I starred down at the toilet, sighed, and then placed 2 fingers down my throat.. and didn't leave the bathroom for 33 minutes. When I finished, I made my way to the kitchen and ate an entire box of Ritz Crackers.. and then made my way back to the bathroom. This is the first time I'm writing on this site. I am 22 years old, and have had bulimia for the past 9 years. It started when I was 13.. I was wrongfully diagnosed with bipolar when I 12, and sent to a mental health hospital. When I was there, they put me on a medicine called Zyprexa. However, the main side effect with this drug, that they didn't mention, was weight gained. I went from 100 pounds to 140 within 2 months. And as a 7th grade girl, that was tough. And I lost all my friends. No one wanted to hang out with me anymore. Someone who I thought was my best friend.. suddenly stopped talking to me.. except when I would walk into the class room, because she would say "boom boom boom.. here she comes... are we sure she'll even fit through the door?" I was heartbroken. I began throwing up my lunch at school... I was caught about a week later, and taken back to the doctor where they put me on Topamax. And again..my weight changed. This time, I went from 140 pounds to 90. And I loved it. I had all my friends back, who wouldn't want that right? These people who I thought were my friends.. I wanted them back. And when I was skinny again, I had them. And ever since then it's a daily struggle. My mind is always pre-occupied with food, or my body, or my weight.. I never am able to think about anything else. I binge and purge about 10 times a day now. I can tell my body is not able to take much anymore. I feel so alone. I talk to my mom..and she is so supportive and listens to me.. but this is so embarrassing that I hate talking to her about it.. I spent over $1000 last week in food alone.. all just to throw it back up. I just need to know that I'm not alone.. that there are people out there that know what I'm going through. :-(
amyd23 amyd23
22-25, F
2 Responses May 15, 2012

Search your heart. the guilt of being caught, i could only imagine because I had never been caught but if i had, I know the shame i would feel so I pray that you would be set free from your past, that hope would enter your life and your perspective would be ba<x>sed on God's truth which is you were made for a specific purpose, you are beautiful and you have strength and vision and i know that if you go to Jesus with an honest heart he will set you free, because he did it for me and he loves us all with an unconditional love which is what will fill that hole in our life we are constantly filling with destruction of self.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! BULIMIA IS AN ILLNESS AND ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. i STRUGGLWE EVERY DAY WITH IT EVEN MORE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE NOBODY WILL UNDERSTAND, WHICH MOST PEOPLE DON'T. YESTERDAY I ATE AND SLEPT, THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO HOLD MY FOOD DOWN,, I ALSO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON FOOD, AND THEN I GET SO UPSET AND IT MAKES ME EAT MORE. I EAT FOR 4-5 PEOPLE. AND I BINGE A LOT ON JUNK FOOD, SOMETIMES I EAT A WHOLE APPLE PIE BY MYSELF:( THERE IS HOPE JUST DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF,, THIS BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES I KNOW IM NOT ALONE BUT I HAVE BECOME SO INVOLVED WITH FOOD THAT IT HAS RUINED MY LIFE,, I GET FRUSTRATED IF I DONT EAT AND MY BODY IS SO USED TO THE BINGE AND PURGE CYCLE THAT WHEN I DO TRY TO HOLD DOWN FOOD I FEEL LIKE UUGHGH.. I FEEL FAT TODAY AND FOUL AND I FEEL SICK BUT I AM TRYING,,, I HAVE NO JUNK FOOD TO PURGE ON AND I AM GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWS>>> HAVE FAITH THIS IS AN OBSTACLE IN LIFE THAT WE CAN OVERCOME!!!! TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME TRY TO START OFF BY REDUCING THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THAT YOU BINGE AND PURGE, TRY PORTIONING YOUR FOOD SO THAT YOU DONT OVEREAT!! AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!