The Beans Have Been Spilled

I was 11 when I really started to loath myself, 5'0" in height and weighing 135 pounds. I started drinking alcohol and forcing myself to vomit after meals when I was 13. I would leave my house for several days and get drunk with my two best friends and barely ingest anything but alcohol. Then I'd go home to my alcoholic and bulimic mother and binge on hot dogs and cookies (I guess it's true when they say we all grow up to be like our mothers and fathers. Ha-ha).  I began seeing a psychiatrist when I was 14 and after a year and a half of anti-depressants,  I decided I hated the woman who was feeding me drugs, and so I made the decision to stop seeing her. I went from chronic drug user, to anti-pill hippie pot-smoker. I weighed 100 pounds at 5'2" in height.
Although I'm aware of all the risks, the only concerned I have are about are my teeth falling out. My teeth are starting to decay and chip and it hurts to eat. Physically and emotionally, it hurts to keep eating. I can smell my father cooking barbeque ribs in the kitchen  right now, and I  already know how disgustingly delicious it's going to be eating them, and that I'll take a shower after and throw everything up. Then vow to an all liquid diet. I  had once successfully pulled  that off back before I had quit smoking..  I could barely touch food to my lips without feeling like throwing up.
But now instead of nicotine cravings, all I can think of is the next time I can inhale a bag of chips.
Today is the first time I've spoken to anyone (besides my crazy ex-psychiatrist) about my bulimia. I know I am not ready to put this to an end. The emptiness has not yet been filled. Six years of destruction and perhaps I have only made it to step one.
Ensanguined Ensanguined
18-21, F
1 Response May 20, 2012

I understand what you mean about food filling a void, but it is not worth ruining your teeth. And it is not the kind of thing you can keep maintaining. I know you've already seen a counselor, but maybe give someone else a try. I am here anytime you want to talk.