Time To Go It Alone

I first started purging three years ago. I never lasted that long before my mum caught me but it has lived with me every single day since and I suffer relapses every time something bad happens. Perhaps the fact that my main phase didn't last long is why people wouldn't take me seriously - they seem to think that unless you went to a hospital and unless you got to a skeletal state, you haven't had it bad and need to stop being so self obsessed. But what these people forget is that it's a mental thing. Even when I'm not purging, I have the same mindset as those people that have the suitable circumstances to keep doing it. I'm still suffering.
I had kept it largely a secret, which was easy as my parents denied they ever saw or knew of me purging and never tried to help me. But since coming to university I've been through minor drama resulting in most of my university friends, and my boyfriend, knowing. In a way, it's helpful. I don't have to keep my feelings bottled up and people are starting to understand why I get so insecure. But they don't understand enough and I don't expect them to. My boyfriend sometimes even gets angry at me for bringing it up and once in an argument I brought it up, justifying my upset, but he just said he 'didn't give a ****'. I don't want to put the burden on him but I wish he'd understand that every time we argue it's not an attack on him; I love everything about him, it's because I'm insecure and need reassurance. 
No one will understand or be brave enough to at least hold my hand and say, I may not understand but I will accept it even if it sounds irrational to me, and I will help you get over it. But no one has said that and I'm not expecting them to so I've decided to finally try, even a tiny bit, to rid myself of my bulimic ghosts. 
slh544 slh544
18-21, F
3 Responses May 21, 2012

I completely understand what you're saying about people not taking you seriously because you're not skeletal and not doing it all the time. <br />
In the 14 years I've had bulimia, I've had far more days of not purging than purging, and I am overweight. The only time I've even been at a normal weight was when I was purging twice a day for several months and was only 19 years old. People don't take it seriously but the mindset is always there, and there are occasions where I slip up and purge. It makes me feel crazy, like, why can't I just either throw up every single meal or completely stop?

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. 14 years! always makes me feel selfish. But I know the feeling even from the little time I've been through this - I go through little phases and then someone or something stops me. It's never gone but it's never completely there. I know it's meant to be comforting but it makes me sad that someone else feels the same.

I dont have anyone that will say that either because they just dont understand whats going on in our minds. They dont understand what goes on, or how were feeling. I know you dont think of just him understanding as a big deal and hard to do but it is because he has never felt it and hopefully never will. Its rare to have someone that knows the situation that hasnt been through it to understand.

Most people won't understand-- I learned that quite some time ago. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter though. You are the one that's gonna make the daily decision to binge & purge, or not. Support is good, but realizing you have a problem & trying to rid your life of it is the most important thing you can do for yourself at this point. So many people have all the support in the world, but don't care to help themselves, or are even in denial about their problem, so ofcourse get nowhere. I've been purging for about four years now, but I haven't really cared to stop until just a few months ago & I've been doing it without much support. It's a struggle, and I know stress from college & life in general adds to the issue, but you have to keep atleast trying to put an end to it! Stay Focused, Stay Strong !

thank you, when I'm having a rational day of course I completely agree, not having people close to you even want to listen can be hard but after three years of it I've realised, like you say, we're all pretty much on our own. Nice to hear from someone with the same mindset for the first time ever though, thank you for that!