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This Is Me.

I've never told anyone the whole story of me. There are only a few people who I am very close with who know some of who I am. Mostly because I'm ashamed of who I truley am. I'm afraid that if someone else knew just exactly who I was, I would have no one. I started out weighing over 270 pounds because I have Poly cystic ovarian syndrome I just kept getting bigger and bigger. The doctors have done all they can do to help me with this disease. I go back to the doctor in Septemeber actually. Well, anyways. I lost a lot of weight by eating under 500 calories a day. I was down to around 200 pounds when I found that I could eat whatever I wanted and get rid of it. I would eat and throw up once a day and not eat the rest of the day. Eventually I stopped losing weight that way and became frustrated. I would starve myself a few days then eat and purge. This lead to my first 'binge'. I got into such a habit of binging and purging that I couldn't handle it anymore. Also around the time I began this battle with bulimia I started to punish myself through cutting. Kind of like a release of pain I never tell anyone about. I don't understand why I feel such a deep self hate sometimes, I had a happy childhood aside from being fat. To this day I still battle with cutting and wanting to eat so much and purge. I'm trying to help myself, I've been eating aroung 800-1200 calories a day with exercise and it seems to be helping even though I still want to purge. I haven't slipped up very big yet. I now weigh 150 pounds and am trying to reach my goal weight 130 by September. Then will I be happy? I'm so scared that I'll end up scary skinny because of that thought: "Just a few more pounds." I feel like such a failure sometimes. Maybe one day I will be free.
SunshineLove3 SunshineLove3 16-17, F Jun 2, 2012

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