Desperate

I have been dealing with this horrible disease for over 10 years and I desperatly want to be cured, I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful 3 year old that I want to live for. I had a very rought child hood that I think triggered this disorder so that I could have some control in my life. At this point I am binging and purging maybe 2 times a day once in a while I can go a entire day without purging but its not very often. When I do purge I have panick attacks because I am so afraid I am never going to beat this and it is going to kill me. I dont want to do it anymore I know it is a problem and I am desperate to get better. during the week while I am at work it is easy I eat healthy and then dinner I am so hungry I eat sooo much and then purge it. So during the week I purge once a day but the weekends are the hardest for me. I need to learn to control my portions and eat healthy so that I dont feel the urge but this has been a part of my life for so long its so hard to break. I need help and encouragement and to know I am not going to blow up and gain so much weight in recovery. PLEASE HELP !!!!