Bulimia And Me, Not Just A Food Thing!

My story? where to begin!

My bulimia began about 2 years ago after suffering with anorexia and alcoholism for a number of years but before that the bulimia (over eating/purging) really started by chance.

It was January and id not long been to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression and promptly put on 20mg Prozac, it was also suggested that i go to AA for my drinking which iv suffered with since i was 18. So took my 2 children out to mc donalds  for a treat and was feeling quite good about everything so treated myself to a burger,fries and shake which i wouldn't ever normally do due to the anorexia!

After we had finished our meal i went to the toilet feeling quite fool up, bloated and went to XXXX which brought up some of my milk shake, went home thinking about what had happened and decided to try it again so just like before forced my self to XXXX and up came my food.It was so easy to do and i started thinking i could eat whatever i wanted from now on and it wouldn't matter as i could just get rid of it.

I think having anorexia for so long before and denying myself of any treats or even a proper meal made the binging and being sick a quite attractive idea, like a get out of jail card. When i first started purging i only really planned on treating my self every now and again but within about 6 weeks i was constantly eating vast amounts of cakes,sweets , cereal or anything i could lay my hands on 4,5,6 times a day and purging.

It became so addictive to do and gave me great comfort , i got to the point where everything i eat was just thrown back up out of worry of gaining weight and habit i guess , id go to the bathroom or where ever after a meal and just natural go to purge even if i hadn't planned to or not eaten much.

So from 2 years ago to now i am no better, tried two rehabs , tried the 60mg prozac (which just sent me mad). Ill get the strength from time to time to try and beet this on my own and can have up to three days of more or less normal eating patterns but then i cave in and go right back to square one.

I get a physical and mental craving for food and constantly being sick makes the hunger worse, iv been told i use the eating,purging as a way of self medicating . in other words when im thinking about food, buying food, preparing,eating and purging that's all i think about. Consequently iv had no time for my wife ,kids and lost my job over poor health and can't be trusted to be left on my own especially after meals. All my desires are gone and my depression is worse!

I know if i could " just stop " this and eat normally or even like before when i was anorexic i would start to feel a bit more normal and happy but always find a reason to self sabotage , id have more time to show my feelings to my wife and be a better dad but just can't get it.

Im always asked why i want to be so skinny and at one point id say it was for fear of getting fat, feeling that i looked fat anyway and could do with loosing a bit around my stomach and that's all still true of how i feel but guilt, low self esteem (whats the point) , loosing who i am all keeps me down and stuck with bulimia , iv been told i have deep routed issues and without those problems confronted and dealt with ill never get better. 

Problem is iv done so much forgetting over the years i find it hard to remember or even want to think about all that stuff now.

The End:

paul3100 paul3100
36-40, M
Sep 11, 2012