I know I should get help. But I don't want to gain all of the weight I've lost back.  But it's hard living everyday counting calories, having such a love/hate relationship with food.  All I ever think about is what could happen if I eat.  And when I do eat, it's not that I sit and eat and eat and eat.  I eat a certain amount and then purge it.  I avoid eating in public and with other people.  I want to get lower than I am now.  Once I get to my target weight I'll stop.  I restrict calories, I usually don't go over 200 calories a day.  If I do decide that I will eat something, I make sure it's never ice cream, french fries, fried chicken, etc.  Always something small, salad, banana, milk, etc.  Easy to push back out.  Does this sound like Bulimia or purging anorexia?  Obviously I can't go to a doctor to find out.
pinkcorsage pinkcorsage
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 25, 2012

I read somewhere that if you purge everything you eat, and with your intense restriction on calories when you do, that right now it may be purging anorexia. You are more likely to be classified under ednos (eating disorders not otherwise specified) since you have both tendencies. I am so sorry about everything you are going through. I am right there with you going on almost 5 (whoa, sounds awful when you count it) years. :( If you ever need to talk or need anything just message me. It's a daily hell and it's tough and it sucks. You always feel like people are judging you (which they are), you either never eat or where did you put all of that food? I don't like to eat in front of others either because they do tend to make comments. I wish I never started this and myself am unsure how to get help or if there is any hope. I honestly don't know how to eat "normally" any longer. They say it is always with you (just like a drug addiction) and even if you stop you'll have the urge to relapse sometimes. Hope you're having a good night and I pray you make it through :) I'm here for you!