Welcome To Hell.

I am writing this after a long, long shower. Those of you who haven't got bulimia do not know what I mean by that.

I have to start my story with a tale of a friend of mine. We shall call her Katie.
I met her when I were 12 years old. We synced for some reason and were friends ever since.
She seemed happy despite her family and herself being in an explosion that caused all of them severe injuries. Oh how deceiving the outside can be.
She started cutting at the age of 13 and I went along with it. We cut each other's skin and we shared a connection that felt completely unique. Noone ever could or ever can understand that.
Anyway, I can't quite remember why but we started losing weight. She started of course. She was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and went to treatment for that. I wasn't aware of that since she just suddenly cut me out of her life. I were fine when we weren't talking.
So later on I started losing weight on my own at the age of 14. At first I fell in love with anorexia. Unfortunately that deceived me and it turned to bulimia.

While I am writing this, my family still has no idea about my secrets. They do not know what I go through every day or why I do what I do. They do not know that I've been bulimic for 5 years now. I haven't gotten any treatment for this yet, but because I was sexually abused twice within the last 5 weeks I am going to see a psychiatrist within a month.
My bulimic behaviour has caused more cuts on my skin, suicide attempts(my family has no idea of those either), broken relationships and loneliness as well as depression and anxiety.
To be honest, I am quite afraid of getting better. Why? Because this is what I am good at. I am good at overeating and bringing it up, as pathetic as it is.
This is one thing that defines me. I do not know what I will become if I ever get rid of this disease.
My boyfriend knows about this. Some friends of mine know. The closest ones, as ironic as that sounds, do not know. I don't want to ruin our relationship with them. Thus they shall never know.

As a random note, I wished for an ED. But I wished for anorexia because thin is all that matters in my world as well as looking good.
How stupid of me to even start. I knew better and I believe most of anorexics and bulimics would say the same.
Another thing still, this sounds weird but the feeling when you purge. It's so purifying. You concentrate only on that feeling and it becomes an addiction. It's like a back door. "So what if I overeat, I can always purge."

It is time to end this story, forgive me the messiness of this text as well as the possible misspells.
This is my life in hell. Every day and every night, every month and year, I've been doing this.
Neminia Neminia
18-21, F
Nov 26, 2012