Bulimia Forever

I am reading the stories of all the young girls who have been purging for a month or two or a year or so.
Find help now !
I am 47 years old and have had an eating disorder for over 30 years. Can you imagine everyday of your life for the next forever having to worry about every bite you take? Everyone around you is enjoying the coffee at Starbucks and all you think about is if it was "too much", should you have that muffin too, cause why not you are going to throw it up later anyhow. This is my first time on this forum but its so sad to read your stories. Once you get hooked into the Bulimia cycle it is impossible to stop. Don't get hooked by this horrible disease.

I did have help for a while. I was hospitalized because I was suicidal. I was 24 years old. It was great. The hospital was such a great place to have an eating disorder. They regulated your food, they weighed you every day. I lost 10 pounds. I was so excited and I was with other girls who had eating disorders. What did we do- did we support each other to get well. No way, we shared secrets.
I look back- so scary.
I have three children. My youngest is a little girl, age 10. I am so careful I don't talk about dieting for losing weight but I am dieting all the time. I just tell her that I haven't been eating healthy so need to get more fruit and veggies. I know she is almost at the age I was when I first was conscious about my weight. I was 13 years old. I was a dancer and a swimmer so you can imagine I looked in the mirror a lot ! I started restricting food and exercising, wearing plastic wrap on my thighs that my dance teacher said were so big. Then I discovered laxatives. They didn't work great because I was a high school student and it can be a mess in school. They work great now though. Sadly.
Then I went to university. My bulimia was under control there but my self esteem was better. All the boys "liked" me and I was feeling pretty good about myself. I lived in residence so we ate at the cafeteria. Again like the hospital, easy to control food amounts because I was eating with people all around. I would splurge on a chocolate bar once in a while but had very little money so couldn't do that very often.
Later during my Master's degree (yes I am a microbiologist with a Master's degree) it was easy to binge and purge. I lived alone, had money, no one to watch over me. This was the worst. It was during this time I was suicidal. Would I have gone through with it, don't know and likely not but my self esteem was an all time low.
Now I am married reasonably happily. My husband is supportive. I have a nice little house, great kids and the best cat in the world. I am close with my sister and my mum. My mother in law is great. I am 5'4" and weigh 150 pounds. I look less than that as I have great posture from dancing, dress well and have big bones and really, if I was honest, don't look that fat to the rest of the world. I want to lose 25-30 pounds. I hate my body, I hate how I look in the mirror. I never wear jeans cause they are all too tight and I am not going to buy another pair. I envy women who are big who don't worry about their weight.
I am at home alone a lot as I run a business out of my house. So during the day I can do what I want. I can eat and purge and no one is around. I purge late at night usually with the bath water running and the bathroom fan on. My husband knows. We don't talk about it.
I have lost weight, I have gained it all back. I have trained for half marathons, gone to gyms, done yoga, I have done anti depressants, spent money at weight watchers, done every diet pill under the sun, but still same old, same old at the end of it.
So please please young girls, beautiful teenagers- find help now before you are old and flabby and can't control it ever. Find help now before it is too late. Every day of my life is a nightmare when it comes to food. Every night is a promise that tomorrow will be different and I will stick to a healthy eating program. Every night is a lie. I know this is what I will live with for the rest of my life.
sillychocolate sillychocolate
46-50, F
Nov 26, 2012