Freedom?

8:34 pm.
An hour after you're supposed to eat. I think on it for a couple of minutes and decide, I've been good all day.  Have only drunk water and the usually almond milk in the morning.  I did eat some watermelon earlier as lunch (I always have lunch).  I open the fridge and immediately I pick my marker, the watermelon.  It being red, I'll know when it comes back up.  But my markers rarely make it back up again since I cannot purge for over an hour.

I eat a couple of watermelon pieces and then move to the pantry.  I already know what I want, Campbell's soup.  In total, the meal is only about 160 calories, which is almost always the amount I eat, whether or not I purge.  I eat the soup with gusto, drinking about 20 oz of water with it as well to help bring it back up later on.  I put everything away, to hide the evidence that I was planning on purging.  My room is already set up for whenever I purge.  I lock my door, and as I move into the bathroom, I pick up the small garbage place it on the already closed toilet lid and replace the bag inside.  Before I do anything else, I got onto the scale.  91 lbs.  Meaning the soup and the water I drank caused me to gain about 2 lbs.  I usually use a toothbrush, but lately, using my fingers is easier.  I feel so much better as the food comes out and into the garbage can.  I started using the garbage can because it reduces having to flush the toilet and I can see how much I actually puke back out.  I don't see my marker by the time I stop, but my weight has returned back to 89, which is acceptable because it always goes back up as I drink water during the day.  The more and more I purge whatever I eat, the easier it becomes.  Every time I purge though, I feel guilty because I know that I'm destroying my teeth, and my throat, but the food has to come out.

I am realizing more and more that I do have many anorexic tendencies, I do have quite a few bulimic tendencies as well.  In the 2 months I have dealt with this, I have lost almost 15% of my body weight which leads me to believe I am anorexia with bulimic tendencies.  I know that the food controls me sometimes.  It's hard to stop.  I don't eat all day for days on end, and then sometimes I just want a normal meal.  Nothing extravagant, soup is easy, but the moment I eat it, I feel guilty, and it has to get out.  There are days I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly be free.
pinkcorsage pinkcorsage
18-21, F
2 Responses Nov 27, 2012

I'm in the same boat. I cant even keep food down anymore. I am constantly looking in the mirror pinching my fat. I just want to be 100 pounds... i weigh 150 and im 5'7" that is totally not acceptable. I am a hippo. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here for ya, I'm struggling with the same thing, and I need support too.

hi there . I feel you. I know what it's like to go on a weighing machine every single day and stare at it for hours . I know how it's like to want to be normal , yet be in control ., it's all we think of and it controls our life . I face these problems too, and I hope one day we can get it out of
our heads: it's okay to gain weight . everyone does . however ., why must we care ? I think about this question and I can't seem to find my own answer , and that question has helped me . I hope it can help you too . you're awesome , and who are others to tell you else??