I Don't Know What I Want To Do.

I've been binging-purging for about a year now, but I've been born a binger really- I noticed I was always eating when I was 10 or so. I know I have a natural fast metabolism. I'm not super skinny, obviously because of the binging, but I'm not overweight either, thankfully because of my metabolism.
The thing is I know if I let this disorder continue and get worse, my metabolism will mess up too, and I will lose my lucky naturally fast metabolism. But I really want to be skinny. My dad is always pressuring me to be skinny. In a way, I almost want to be too skinny. Skinny enough to be kicked into hospital. But then I also don't, because no one likes those super skinny girls. Guys like slim girls, but not stick thin girls. Also sometimes I'm too lazy to throw up after a binge, so I let the calories sink in while I destroy the skin on my stomach.
I'm trying to eat healthily. The counsellor made me a plan: no snacks (only 3 meals a day) and no going back for seconds. So far I've never been able to do it. I keep saying "oh I'll start tomorrow"... Which of course never actually happens.
My friends are all underweight- not from an ed, they're just those sort of people who don't eat when they don't feel the need to. I want to be like that. But I can't be. I try but I always give up.
I want to be skinny. I want to be as skinny as my friends. I want to throw up everything I eat. I want to see if I can get skinny enough to be thrown into hospital.
But I also don't want to ruin my metabolism. I want to be able to eat and be happy. I want to not have to rely on food, I don't want it to be the only thing I think about like it is now. I want to be able to stop eating when I'm not hungry. I want to be able to eat normally. But I can't. I can't just stop eating when I don't want to. And it's horrible. I want to try stop this bulimia. But I know I will never be able to stop binging. So I might as well get skinny and ruin my throat rather than get fat.
I'm so confused. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I need to stop binging and relying on food. But I can't.
miserybiscuit miserybiscuit
18-21, F
3 Responses Nov 28, 2012

I feel the exact same way as you. I really want to stop throwing up especially because I often find that I'm too exhausted to make myself purge after a binge.. and then I feel terrible for the whole rest of the day or night and the next day too. I constantly fight with myself over wanting to become extremely skinny and just wanting to be healthy and fit. It's hard with all the pictures of "thinspiration" everywhere because the girls have just such perfect bodies that I feel like I will never have. Trying to recover has also been so hard because when I eat and keep food, especially the proper amount that is on my meal plan, I feel soo bloated. The bloating makes me feel like I've gained weight and I just absolutely can't stand seeing my stomach stick out.
The longer you binge/purge though, the more your metabolism will get messed up. It's impossible for me to recover without gaining weight now, because just normal healthy eating will lead to weight gain since my body hasn't held in that much food in so long. Please get help and recover while your body still is in an okay state, it just gets harder.

I'm exactly the same, sometimes I think I throw up because I want to be skinnier but sometimes I throw up after I'be binged because I'm scared of putting on weight, I'm in two minds about it. One where I don't want to carry on making myself sick but then after I've given up on healthy eating and binged I want to carry on. If you ever need to talk to someone I'm always here. I know it's a hard subject and it's hard to open up without fearing that you'll get judged.

I promise you don't want to throw up after you binge. I have been bulimic/restrictive for 7 years and it's a ****** up thing. I know binge eating is a disorder as well, and i too sometimes feel too lazy to purge. But purging is a fast pass to a lot of nasty side effects and/or death. I totally get it though. I don't know why i feel the need to binge. It's like when i am doing it, i usually am watching some crap TV, with a blank mind and stuffing my face. It is the only time when my mind goes completely blank and i can just forget everything for a while. Then i keep eating even when i'm full just to avoid heading back to reality. It's a messed up life when it constantly revolves around food/weight.
You can lose weight normally though. Resorting to purging will most likely just keep you at the weight you are at now. I never lost weight from purging because i was taking in so many calories from binging. I was just always slender, then i gained about 20 pounds when i first became bulimic. The only time i lost weight was when i started restricting, which i do not recommend either, because you will restrict, lose weight, be famished, and binge for a week, gain it all back, vicious cycle.
My best advice is to try and eat "healthy"stay away from junk food for a while, but do not deprive yourself either. Snack throughout the day and exercise. I know, easier said than done