7 Years and Counting.

So, i am 20 years old. Have been bulimic since i was 14 and have had image/weight issues since i can remember. I remember watching some lifetime movie about bulimia and thinking "Ew, that is totally gross, never could i do that" And a year later i made myself sick for the first time after eating too much cereal at night.
I thought it was the perfect solution. I could avoid getting fat and eat all the junk food i always wanted. Well i don't remember too much, but i think it was after christmas one year and we had massive amounts of candy around that i binged on for a good 2 weeks, purging when i felt like it. I went from the 5'8 125 pound girl to this 140 pound slob i didn't even recognize within a matter of months. I vowed to change. Then came the restricting. I was eating 200-700 calories a day for the entire summer, give or take a binge/purge or 2 or 3 a week. When i went back to school i was 113 pounds. I got so many comments, good & bad. But all i saw in the mirror was the extra fat i had to lose. After that i continued with the restricting/binging/purging and my weight went from 113-120 pounds throughout the years. I am RIDICULOUSLY afraid to EVER be 140 pounds again. And i know 140 pounds really is not considered fat, and i would not consider anyone else who was my height and weight to be fat, but it's like this ghost that haunts me, even now as a young adult. That 14 year old girl who could actually have been considered "normal" or in my opinion overweight. I now maintain somewhere between 113-118 pounds. Some days i feel huge. Others i actually see myself as thin. Sometimes i wonder if what i see in the mirror is even real. When i see a skinny girl looking back at me in the mirror, do other people see a fat me? I just don't even know.There was ONE time in my life when my ED sort of just vanished. I don't know how or why, but i was hanging out with a friend of my constantly and i couldn't b/p or starve so i just took on her normal eating habits and i literally forgot why i ever had a problem to begin with. Then i went through some traumatic experience and it was back like it never left.
I don't want to be a slave to the mirror/food forever, i am so obsessed with how i look it is disgusting and narcissistic and self loathing all in one.
Searchingsoul9 Searchingsoul9
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

Ah, the pain of bulimia. It's never ending.

Sad, but true. Unless i asked for help...which i most likely wont because i'm a stubborn fool

I was the same...