It's Been A Long Lonely Road.

I'm 42. I'm still fighting the urge, although I think it's been almost 3 years since I've done it. I've had no help. No support. No friends. Nobody who understands where I'm coming from on any level. I have been alone since I can remember. I have a toddler daughter now and a nice husband. But I'm all on my own.... I kept waiting and waiting for help. It never came and I never found it...nobody to lean on....nobody to help me with the tough stuff...except God...and I thank him for being there even when I was a brat. Maybe I'll be able to pick up a bit of encouragement, knowlege, support or offer some here.
Rollergirl82 Rollergirl82
41-45
2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

Although I haven't been purging during this time, I still find myself grabbing whatever I can find to shove into my mouth as fast as I can when the stress gets beyond the level at which I can cope otherwise. I'm still trying to learn. I have faith that I can figure it out. It IS better. Isn't it?

During the 2 weeks my Dad was in the coma, I lost 15 lbs. It took about a week to regain it after I returned home. So, that was a 30 lb stretch. I've been exercising more, but not enough. I just can't seem to get on top right now. I guess I'm a little depressed, a little overwhelmed, a little lost.

Before I was able to completely resist starving/bingeing/purging, I did it from about the age of 15-38...wow, that's even longer than I thought. I was able to resist for short periods of time though, at least I think I did. I was always fighting it. Maybe it just seemed like I resisted. Maybe that's what I told myself.

Anyway, when I was pregnant I was so scared I would hurt the baby that I managed to stop. And I was put on bed rest for 6 months. During that time I gained 60 lbs. After the baby came, I thought I would just jump up and exercise and lose the weight. Let me tell ya, when you've been in bed for 6 months, you don't jump up and do anything. Regardless, I pressed on, walked every day, restricted my diet until I had lost 75 lbs. (still needing to lose another 50 because I was on the heavy side when I got pregnant, which is probably the only physical reason I was actually able to get pregnant finally).

I do not live geographically close to any family or friends and have not since I was 16. My Dad recently passed away & we made the trip. My little one and I stayed for almost a month to help my Mom. It was very stressful, but there was never an appropriate time or place for me to show or share my stressful feelings.

When you live away from family, you have to travel alot. And that's what we've been doing all year. Plus we've moved recently. I've moved 42 times in 41 years. I don't plan to do it again. I don't even want to get in a car anymore. I just want to sit at home, eat bread and you-know-what. I'm tired.