Another Recovery Story From Bulimia

I was bulimic foe 10 years and have been clean for 2 years now. But interestingly, i still find myself reading, researching and wondering about it. about the best years of my life being the prisoner of this dark, horrific disease.
I wonder what happen!!why it did even happen!! oh yes i do know! being bullied for being a chubby tanager by my brother and classmate, disproved by mother and all many other reasons you all know and share.
So one day i got fed up with it and started a crash diet and took me 6 months to lose 10 kilos.
I started getting so much love and attention from my mother and less sarcasms from my brother that i decided to keep up the hard work. And that was when Mrs Bulimia let herself walk into my life.
i must admit the first 5 years i enjoyed it. I loved the power of eating and staying slim. power of fooling those people who didnt love the chubby ME!!
After 5 or 6 years i actually realize i am stuck with it and cant get out. My main 2 reasons same as all of you were, getting back to the dark past life of being overweight and not being able to empty the fridge in my stomach and not being worried about it ( i was married to fridge those time).
I loved food but hate it!! i was always telling myself if i find a good reason i will stop, maybe a nice boyfriend.
I did find a nice boyfriend, and guess what i was too damn good at my purging profession that even he didn't find out and i kept going, then we get engaged and i kept going and we got married.
i hated myself.... till i got pregnant! oh man!!!
i dont know how many of you were like me but, when i was trying to stop the last 5 years of my struggle i was not even brave to go and read about the side effects of Bulimia. i was like a pigeon beeping my head in snow. i didnt want to scare myself to much that may force me to stop!! weird ha?
anyway i kept going lightly until i was 3 month pregnant then one day i got so depressed an hated myself after a purge and started writing for the first time to a university psychological.
i told her i am too embarrassed to come and see you but i need to stop for the sake of baby!!

And i think that was my golden moment, when i hit the bottom line, when i truly opened myself to a trusting person, when i heard my inner voice.
However she got back to me the day after, i already knew i am going to stop. and i did
and i never ended up seeing that doctor.
I dont want to say my daughter saved me. NO i save myself because of me and i did struggle for a year to lose the post pregnant weight. i exercised and ate super super clean.
i had nightmares for a long time and i still sometimes have that i catch myself in my dream purging again and disappointing myself, but i know its all good.
those years............ i will never get them back,spent hours at home binging and purging and hating myself...........
bottom line i am back to my to pre pregnancy weight but this time is all my hard work and only took 2 years.
deleted deleted
26-30
1 Response Dec 4, 2012

Can you give me some tips on dealing with the depression from bulimia?