On The Verge Of A Binge

There was never a cataclysmic when or how my eating problems started. Bulimia just sort of... crept up on me.

When I was 13 years old, my family's home burned down in a house fire right before Christmas: a trauma that impacted every day life for my family in a big way. At age 13, regardless, things change for you. You realize that you can spend your allowance on junk food. You start having friends that can drive to the store at lunch time... things change. Eating habits change. You get hips, boobs, stretch marks. My eating disorder just seems now like the outcome of right age, right time, right trauma, right low-self-confidence level.

It's funny trying to tell my story. As I'm writing it, I realize how long it has been since my thoughts about food and eating have been healthy. Eating for enjoyment. Eating for energy. Eating because it tastes good. It's been so long, I don't even know what that feels like. I don't know if this story is even worth a read, because bulimia to me is so boring. It is something playing over and over and over in my head: when am I going to get to be alone? When am I going to be able to purge? When will everyone leave so I can eat and purge? They are thoughts of someone who needs help, and even though I know this, I still am stuck on the merry-go-round of restricting and binging.

I am ashamed. I am so, so ashamed. I wish that I could just be normal. I wish that my whole life wasn't focused on how I look, how full my stomach is, how thin my friends are getting and things like that. I'm horrified with how I look, and this (for a very long time) has stopped me from getting help. "They are going to tell me to stop." Yeah. Right. Like that's going to happen.

I'm sick of lying... but moreover I'm sick of actually having this issue. Right now as I sit here, I'm struggling to not go to the fridge and eat everything and anything in there. Eat everything in the house. Drive down to the 24h McDonalds down the road and spend all my tips from tonight. This is my CONSTANT struggle. I have no middle ground. I restrict and eat very little, or I lose myself in food. I need balance, but I have none. I feel best when I'm restricting.

Thank you for letting me get that out. Everyone has a story to tell. I'm really feeling like a crazy person tonight and I'm finding a lot of comfort in other people's stories. Something that helps me find balance in times of mental chaos is this: one decision at a time. Right now, as I sit in my bed, I am NOT getting McDonalds. That is a healthy decision. A healthier decision would be to go eat SOMETHING, because I am starving. But... one decision at a time.

Rome was not built in a day! Take care all, and keep on keeping on.
jodi4903 jodi4903
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 15, 2012

I hope you'll find the way out. Sometimes going to a psychologist helps...We are all strong enough to change our lives.Now I find learning languages more exciting than dieting.

Well...I used to feel almost the same way. At first I had anorexia and went to a modelling school, didn't get any model job, had a kind of heartbreak and started eating all the time and gaining weight. I tried to purge but found it difficult (I have some illness due to which it's difficult for me to breathe in sometimes). So now I'm 10 kg heavier, supposing myself being ugly now and without any guy around me. I haven't bought new clothes for a year although I have money for it,I don't feel like I want to buy some beautiful clothes and to wear it.((( But I still remember that beautiful time when I ate healthy food and took regular exercise and looked pretty.