I Have An Eating Disorder.

I don't know if you'd exactly call it bulimia or anorexia. But something is wrong for sure.
I've tried starving myself. I had limited myself to 200 calories a day at one point. Its an on-and-off sort of thing. It'll dissapear for a while, then creep up on me. And these past few months (yes, I know it's not a very long time compared to most of you.) I've been making myself throw up. I'm so disgusted to admit that... a few years ago, I would think to myself, "How could someone ever make themselves throw up? That's disgusting." But now, I actually like throwing up. And its becoming more regular...
I go into my room, turn on music, and throw up into a bag or trash can. In a sick way, it feels good. I do it to the point where I'm too tired to continue. My hearts beating fast, my throat stings and my stomch churns, I shake a lot, I can hardly breath, my eyes water and my nose runs. I look and I feel absolutely pathetic. It takes a suprising amount of energy to make myself puke. Aftwerwards, I often lay down or sleep. Its quite awful. And the reason why I'm not sure I'd call it bulimia, is because I often only eat a regular amount of food before hand, or don't eat anything at all. I never really 'binge'. Sometimes I just do it when a situation triggers it. Like, if I'm angry or upset. All the sudden I get this overwhelming urge to make myself sick. And once I tickle the back of my throat and feel that first gag.. I feel... comforted, in a way.
Sorry for being so descriptive. But I needed to share. I haven't, and probably never will, tell someone.
Somedays my body image is good, other days its horrible. Somtimes I think I'm making a big deal out of it, and other times I cry because I'm so scared of what I've become. But I have faith that I'll pull through. Thank you for reading, if anyone ever does.
ayeitsjamie ayeitsjamie
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 2, 2013

Your story reminds me of me when I first started purging... My advice to you is get help now before it gets worse because the longer you do this, the harder it will be to stop. That said, I have had bulimia and anorexia for four years and if you need somebody to talk to I'm here, whether you want to get help or not. You are not alone xx

That really means a lot. Thank you.