The Aftermath Of The Holidays

Aaaaaaand..... Hello once more!

So I realize that it has been a while since my last story. The last time you heard from me, I was restricting and going a little looney. Ooops!

It was just the perfect time for a three week long binge/purge! Christmas (with all the sweets) New Years (with all the alcohol and skinny *******) and let's not forget all the family gatherings that make you feel uncomfortable about where your life is headed!

The "crazy weeks" are over now so I have time to write a little summary about how I am feeling after all the life-sucking purging that happened over the holidays. I am feeling tired, yes. I am feeling weak, yes. But I am also feeling hopeful. I am nervous about this hope because that's how restriction begins: I am strong enough to be healthy. I am strong enough to avoid "trigger" foods. This thinking eventually turns into "I am strong enough to not eat." And so begins restriction once more.

Remember that caring, loving, understanding boyfriend that I told you about? Well, things are great. But he just recently said something that will forever stay etched in my mind and it hurt very much. The way I deal with self consciousness and my personal relationships resides on my answer to this one question: "How would a someone NOT battling an eating disorder feel about this? Would they be mildly irritated, really hurt, or somewhere in between?" And it is by my honest answer to that question that I am able to calm myself down after most stupid things that he says. But not this time.

We have a couple that we hang out with on occasion. They are very good people and we have a very good time together. For the wife's birthday, they were going to go to the ******** bar and have a couple of drinks.


Anyway, I thought that I could handle it. But in order to be sure, I had a talk with my boyfriend about my worries and fears. I told him that I understood that he loves ME and that he'd be coming home with ME so nothing else matters, but that a self-conscious part of me worried that the girls there would be hotter than me.

The simple, easy answer to that would be, "No babe. You're the hottest. You have nothing to worry about."

Case Closed. No more questions asked. After all, I'm not a crazy.

Did that happen? OF COURSE NOT.
"Well if you know that the girls are going to be hotter than you, you can mentally prepare for it." - My wonderful, caring, loving boyfriend.

I don't even know how to explain what happened next. I pretty much gave up mentally. Cracked. Didn't talk anymore. Couldn't put another ounce of energy into explaining how what he said was a very brutal thing to say to any girl, despite one that struggles with body image every minute of every hour of every day. I do understand that he's only human and that men as a whole don't always think about what they say before they say it. But you can't take the stone back after the throw.

I'm shaken, but I'm okay. If anything, I'm stronger in my resolve to eat healthy. Never mind. I'll just be honest. I want to never eat again in front of him. I don't ever want to eat again. I want to down the entire bottle of laxatives and spend the next two days on the toilet until everything in my body is out. But I won't.

I won't, because that won't solve anything. I won't, because he is a good man and he would know he was the trigger. I won't, because I don't have the time to waste sitting on the toilet. This leaves me with a few options:

1. Eat what I need to survive. Water. Multivitamin. One laxative. Celery.

2. Eat everything. Drive down to the infamous McDicks and buy everything I can get away with. Eat it all. Throw it all up before the boyfriend gets home. Shower. Pretend it never happened. Be ashamed.

3. Be an adult and deal with what is really bothering me. Talk to friends. Take some time for myself. Go shopping. Read.

And how I wish more than anything that I had the willpower to follow through with #3.

A good friend and I talked on the phone this afternooon and I shared with her my stories on this website. Talking about my problem and sharing it with others has actually been an amazing release for me. Some may say it is encouragement to continue the lifestyle that I'm living, but screw that. I feel better when I'm able to tell others what is going on.

Take care everyone, and feel free to message me. I could really use some support on days like today.

jodi4903 jodi4903
18-21, F
Jan 9, 2013