Afraid..

I am afraid.. I can't believe that I am writing here again cuz I thought that this thing is far behind me.. but now I am scared that the bulimia will repeat again. I am fighting with all my power not to succumb to it. These holidays and a week before I put on so much weight and I can't stop eating.. I stay up till 6 am and almost always, I eat after 12 am. I just can't control it.. I haven't been fatter my entire life.
The purging has crossed my mind a lot of times and that's why I don't quit smoking cigars. They are the only thing that stops me from throwing up because I know that they in combination with purging are a killer mix. But I am so much afraid that sooner or later I will start it again, plus I am now home but in 10 days I return to college where there's no one to control me. I am seriously scared and don't know what to do.
My self-confidence is on the 0 right now. I feel awful when I am out thinking that everyone are laughing behind my back and staring at me, plus I am the fattest of my friends and I can't get a boyfriend. My low self-esteem is based on my weight and now it is seriously low while my weight is high.
If you have any advice, please share it with me, cuz I need it.
SpiritScarlet SpiritScarlet
18-21, F
Jan 11, 2013