Didn't Think This Would Happen...again.

Having re-read this it doesn't ask too many questions, more of a venting session. Comments welcomed.

Since I can remember I've always been fascinated with weight. I use the word fascinated because I don't mean obsessed with getting rid of it, I mean embracing it and putting on weight.

During my teenage years I was always overweight, I think at my biggest I was 230lbs (and just over 6ft for context). I wasn't aware of my weight, it was never a problem, it was just who I was. I lost a lot of weight after the of 18, largely in an attempt to start meeting women. It worked, I lost about 60lbs.

I went to university. I was drinking a lot and eating takeaways most nights (as I didn't know how to cook). The weight soon piled on again. I didn't see it as a problem, I had a girlfriend and the weight didn't really bother her. We'd lay in bed most weekends, hungover, eating ice cream, watching movies. We were pretty happy.

Some issues developed in the relationship (I won't go into detail but it was pretty bad stuff) and, although I didn't realise it at the time, I became quite depressed. This is when my relationship with food changed.

I'll use the word obsessed now because I began compulsive eating. This was the summer before my final year at university. A close relation passed away in the autumn of that same year and the compulsive eating got worse. I don't recall when the switch flicked but when it did I could not get the thought of gaining weight out of my mind.

The compulsive eating continued for a year or so. I was still in a relationship and I began to sneak food into the house and eat it when my partner was out, or volunteer to go to the supermarket and eat a huge volume of food in the car on the way home. I remember dropping her off at social events, feigning illness and going straight to buy food to stuff with.

I put on maybe 50lbs that year and it was beginning to show. My partner began a new fitness regime, dropping hints about me joining her, etc, and at this point I began purging. In my head I was still obsessed with gaining weight and the whole situation spiralled out of control. In an attempt to stop the cycle I suggested to my partner that I embrace the weight and keep going, gaining more weight, even asked if she would help me. She flipped out. She couldn't understand why anyone would want to do that, she worried about my health, my future, my sanity.

At this point I started speaking to a counsellor about these issues. It really helped. She was supportive, the compulsive eating stopped but there was no coming back from that. The relationship was over. I began to exercise every day and ended up at about 160lbs. Skinny as a rake. Food just became 'fuel' and I was obsessed with body image.  I even did a triathlon (something I'm very proud as it goes).  Anyway...that was some years ago.  

This year the old thoughts started again.  Exercise stopped overnight, I began compulsive eating again and the weight began to pile on.  Purging started soon after.  I've started speaking to a counsellor again and the eating and purging stopped and I'm back to the food as 'fuel' position.  Result...or so I thought.  

My counsellor advised me that it sounds like I'm stuck in a black/white thought process.  Either exercising or not exercising, eating or not eating, fit or fat.  I don't appear to be happy at either one of these extremes.  An issue of self-acceptance.  Every few years the pendulum seems to swing in the opposite.

Has anyone experienced anything similar to this?  Or does anyone have any tips for self-acceptance?

Thanks for listening.  Thoughts welcomed.
BackOnceAgain BackOnceAgain
26-30, M
Jan 12, 2013