I'm A Young Bulimic Mother

I've struggled with Bulimia for 6 years. When i got pregnant i slowed down some but still did it. But now at 21 my husband and i are pregnant again. my 1 year old is very healthy but im worried for this baby.
I hate myself.. who i am inside and out. I hate what ive become and feel entirely selfish to be bulimic when i have a family to think about.
But its not easy. I cant just say "okay im going to stop now" ive tried so many times, went a couple days without doing it, but its my "control" that controls me.
No matter how much i want to reach out to my family, in the back of my mind i hear "If you tell them you cant hide it anymore and it'll be even harder to do. and you will get fat if you stop"
Im an average size... but im not super skinny. But im smaller than i was..
But i would trade it all to have never done it, to never have had the option to throw up.
Maybe that way i could've had more self control. I could've taught myself better eating habits.
Everytime i look in the mirror, all i see are flaws. And i know, no mater how small i get or whatever, i will always see those flaws.
I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.

My son brings me so much joy and i cry all the time wondering what will become of me, of my family... If i can;t change this. It has been my life, my crutch.
If i stop the criticism will come back.
But if i don't i will destroy myself, ive already destroyed so much.

I cant afford treatment. Back in middle school my family tried to help me and thought i "got better"
Its a lie
I knew i would relapse. But now more than ever i want to be healthy
i want to eat, get full and not hate myself for it.
Because if i dont, this baby inside of me could suffer.

Natur3l0v3 Natur3l0v3
18-21
Jan 17, 2013