I Hate It

I developed bulimia last year in January of 2012. The first time I purged was outside behind my dad's shed. I remember I ate two slices of supreme pizza and lots of french fries. I felt so fat and useless because I only had close to 500 calories that day and ruined it all by all that food. Of course it was freezing out but I did not care! I needed to get rid of every piece of food in my fat stomach. I couldn't through up in the bathroom toilet because I didn't want my family to hear. I purged all the food up in about 20 minutes. That's when I realized, why restrict when I can just purge? This has led to many days of torture and anger and self-hate. School was a challenge during lunch because my friend always forced me to eat and then I had to run off to the bathroom to purge up my food in only 5 minutes so I wouldn't be late to class. The teachers also made me eat if they saw me not eating. My parents are clueless though when they saw me going to the bathroom after every meal (I started throwing up in a toilet in August 2012). Finally in October I decided to tell my school counselor. I couldn't handle all the stress and depression. I would cut every minute of the day, each chance I could get I would take it. Nothing that a sweatshirt and silly bands can't hide. I also tried suicide more than 8 times. Telling my parents wasn't an easy thing. Getting the call from Children's Hospital wasn't fun either. My friend, Samantha, called them on me. I had to go to the hospital that day to get my heart rate and everything checked out. In the end I am going down a very very very very very longgggggg road towad recovery. I still purge and once in a while cut but maybe one day I can say, "I used to purge."
AshleyisGone AshleyisGone
13-15, F
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

You're already doing all the right things to getting better. I have faith that you'll make it through this! Be strong!!