Cold Lonely Days Of A Fat Rockst*r

I remember when I was 12 I went to a private school so we were always in uniform. I never paid much attention to my weight until the day I decided to go to pizza with a group of friends and we wore regular clothes. It was probably the first time most of the guys saw me out of my uniform and one said "Damn Tristan*(changed my name for reasons) you look good"....At that point I started to think about how I looked. Years went buy and I started to compare myself to all of the "perfect" girls at school. For my junior year I went to a public school which was like a slap in the face. They were all so "perfect". The hair, the tans, the clothes, the flat stomachs and cellulite free legs. I didn't realize that I was in the same category (I realize this 10 years later when I look at pictures) and kept downing myself. I would walk 7-14 miles after school and then barely eat. My days were consumed around this lifestyle. I started to feel guilty when I did eat, even if it was some fruit snacks, and started purging. It carried on for years, I am 26 now, and have ruined my body. My metabolism is so !@#$ed up that it doesn't even know what is going on. I yoyo from 120-160 like the seasons change. My hair is still okay but more frail, I can feel the texture and livliness of it fading. My teeth look ok, but they are so weak and break easily. I have THOUSANDS of dollars of work to do on them, but thankfully to the person looking at me, they still look "ok". My acne went out of control from screwing with my hormones and body composition so much, cystic acne developed. My skin is finally clearing because I do not purge anymore. Well, I HARDLY purge. I would say I am at once a month, if that. I still compare myself to every and any woman I see. It is quite sad. I have a boyfriend who truly loves ME, but I just do not see what he sees and fear that I never will. I want to be healthy and get into shape the right way, but the moment I try, all of my bad habits kick in. I have no idea how to mentally prepare myself for a healthier lifestyle. I am surrounded by people on the daily, doing things I want to do and going where I want to go (well where I think I want to go) but am so cold and alone, hating myself on the daily. There are so many facts I ommited from this story, but it is time to leave work and deal with the BS at home, staring at my wall, trying to decide WTF to do.
TristamDeLiones TristamDeLiones
Jan 21, 2013