Need To Get This Off My Chest.

I have had bulimia since highschool. My best friend had just moved and I had nothing else to do with my time so I ate. I ate nonstop from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep. I gained a ton of weight, and I felt so disgusting an unattractive. I had no friends, no guys were ever interested in me, and I felt so uncomfortable in my own body. So I started starving myself. I would only allow myself to eat every other day, and even then it would only be one cup of yogurt and a half a cup of cherrios. I weighed myself constantly and even refused to drink water because it caused me to weigh more on the scale. After about two months of that, I was so tired all of the time, cranky, and didnt have the energy to do anything. I could not handle so little food any longer, so I figured I would just get the best of both worlds. If i just threw up what I ate, I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight, and even continue to lose weight. It started off slow, just throwing up the food I ate when I was hungry. I couldn't drive so that kept the process slow, because I had to be very secretive about it. I work in a place with lots of food, so I then started eating a ton at work and then just throwing up all the time there. It started picking up and I would do it at family events, friends houses, and restaurants. I wasnt good at throwing up at first, it was hard for me to do and it was often very loud and little came up. But over time I got so good at it, that my finger wasnt necessary, i could ultimately get everything out, and do it rather quietly. When I got my license I started going to fast fod restaurants and buying a bunch of things off the dollar menu and then going to park in a parking lot, eat in, then go inside and throw up, never spending more than $5 at a time. But as it progressed $5 worth of food wasnt enough. I started get more and more items. Then I started going to the grocery store and buying items priced at a $1, so i could buy quantity not quality. I would through up in bags at home so my mom wouldnt wonder why I kept flushing the toilet. It got worse and worse and it continueing to get worse today. My mom last year found the bags. It was the worst day of my life. She checked me into a outpatient program and I hated it so much and resisteted it every step of the way. I convinced her I didnt need it and that I had stopped. For some reason she believed me, she watched me closer, but she didnt make me go back. I didnt stop, I got worse, just got better at hiding it. I started to not throw up and home, and only would binge in my car from fast food places or the grocery store. She found out I was doing it a few months later, because I had gotten really skinny again and my family was commenting to her. She sent me back to therapy and I hated it so much. I went for about three months, never opening up or anything to my therapist, until I told my mom I will not go back, and she cannot force me to. I swore I quit, and she believed me again since I gained back close to 20 pounds. Now it is about 6 months since my last therapy. I eat more in one day than most people do in a week. I cook whole boxes of pasta, bags or rice, and a whole pizza just for one sitting. I cook when both my parents are at work and my brother is in school, or whenever I am home alone. I dont eat in the car anymore, I buy mcdonalds, taco bell, subway and chipotle and bring it all up to my room and eat it, throw it all up one time so nobody gets suspicious. I then wait until everybody goes to bed and then cooks multiple huge portions of food. I am out of control and know that I need help, but I dont want to lose the life I have now. Being skinny has givin more confidence, friends, boys who like me, and made me more out going. I dont want to lose that, or not be able to have the freedom that I have no. Everybody is still suspicuos because I am contantly eating all the time, and I just needed to get this off my chest, I have never told anyone.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 22, 2013