I Feel Ashamed

It started when I was in high school. I would eat when I was stressed out, once a day after school. I quit for a couple of years and then it crept back into my life somehow a couple of years ago. It happens now usually at least twice a day. I even pretend that I don't want to be around my boyfriend so that he will leave the house so I can be alone to eat and vomit. I don't even understand myself when this is happening. I think it is so disgusting and weak. It seems so simple, just don't eat that much food. I tell myself everyday that I won't do it again the next day; I'll just start eating healthier and smaller portions. Everyday I go back to eating large amounts of food and purging. It is like this insatiable craving takes over my mind and I can't control it. I want to stop. I have never told any of my friends, I am so embarrassed.
sammy sammy
22-25, F
24 Responses Jun 11, 2007

I know how you feel. I can control myself for short periods of time and all of the sudden im eating like 6 pastries along with anything else I find. It feels like I want to purge but I know I not supposed to. Like once I take the first bite I'm gone, I lose control.

I feel exactly the same, everyday I make a vow to never make myself vomit again and to just eat healthy then I won't need to.....then the same cycle begins and I turn into someone I sooo don't want to be :/

I have the exact same problem except I starve all day and the. It seems to happen at around 7 at night where I can't seem to stop eating and don't want anyone to see me, and then afterwards I feel ashamed so I purge and vow to not do the same again. It never works

I feel the exact same way.
Sometimes, I just wonder why its so damn hard just to be normal. I tell myself all the time to just eat less. Eat normal and healthy. Don't make yourself vomit. Its so easy.
But its not. Its so hard and I really don't understand why. Its like.. this overwhelming feeling. It makes me feel so alone and helpless.

Please don't be ashamed!you are not alone!so I think that you should try to surround your self with healthy food like fruits and drink lots of water,that will make you less hungry and from what I can see is that you are suffering from bulemia which is not good!!I have suffered from it but thank god I have now recovered from it!!please just fight through it you are strong enough!!just think of bulemia as a devil that is trying to make you weak and make himself in control!!you are the stronger one!!Hope this helps!!remember love is louder than the pressure to be perfect!xxx

This obviously resonates with a lot of people, including me. I think everyone with our "problem" has the guilt feeling within them and I just take it a day at a time. I used to look back and feel ashamed for my bad week or day, but I realized when I really gave myself a clean slate in the morning I felt less pressure and I enjoyed my day more!Keep writing! It helps too! :]

I completely understand.. I can't control it either.. And I feel like it's only getting worse..

oh man this is from 2007!! god im so late.. so sorry.. im in the same exact boat!! i hide, no one knows.. its horrible.. but im getting better.. yoga and juicing has changed my life.. but this thing haunts me.. god bless you

I do the same thing...I used to hide my truck outback of my house during a binge so that no one would know I was home...I tell myself after every binge "this is it, I am done"...but it never is...

Hi Sammy,<br />
<br />
You literally took the words right out of my mouth! That is my life every day. It is so frustrating and shameful. I've never told anyone either, this is as close as I've come to admitting I have a problem. I wish I could offer you advice, but all I can offer is empathy.

im just coming to this site. it is very soothing to see that im not alone.. maybe we can help eachother? im on a major low profile w this for obvious reasons! but thank you for sharing.. its sweet. thank you

i feel the same exact way bulimia for me began about 3months ago but now i cant stop im trying to lose weight really fast so it;s even harder i try not to throw up but now it's a habit... after everytime i eat i have to throw up... sometimes i just dont eat so that i wont have to throw up

only 3 months ago? master cleanse and juice dite will help you. everytime youre hungry drink juice... its so hard i know.. im so ashamed too.. im disgusted and here i am writing to you! god bless your heart.. turn back while you can...

In reading all these comments, I realise I am not the only one with this problem. I think exactly like all of the other bulimics who have posted on here. It is ruining my life and friendships, and I just want to end it once and for all!<br />
<br />
Does anyone have any tactics or suggestions to help on the road to recovery?<br />
Anything would be greatly appreciated as I am so desperate at the moment!

its like reading my own thoughts why is it so hard?

I know exactly how you feel. I always say that to myself....just stop eating so much, just take lesser portions. I also promise to myself that this will be the last time, just to make me feel better about it. But I already know I'm going to do it again. You are not alone.

I am the same.. although I don't have a boyfriend but I did the same with friends.. It happens in cycles.. I have it for a month and then stop for 2-3 months and then again. Right now I don't have it, and I am terrified that it will repeat again so I decided to search for help on the net.. I am too ashamed to talk to someone in person. My parents and my best friend know but they can't realize how difficult this stuff is. My advice is that you start eating healthier, but eat as much as you want. If it's healthy than you won't gain weight, so you won't feel the urge to purge. Also you can give yourself one day in the week to eat chocolate and bread or pizza. Then the day after that, try eating only fruit and vegetables, and the rest days eat healthy, without chocolates, cakes, pizzas, sandwiches.. Give the freedom to yourself for one day and maybe you will start to feel control. I started this a couple of days ago, and I hope that it will work : For more info on what you should eat, contact me :)

I totally know how you feel. I am currently going through the same thing. I know that is pure hell. I went from being anorexic to thinking I was ok and then just this past winter, my Binge Eating Disorder started to take place. I'm trying to get help but I'm very thankful for all the EP friends and their support. Its helped me very much. Its very hard but you can get through it. Even though I haven't gotten through it yet, I still believe there's hope. There comes a point where you feel that you just can't take it anymore and that's when you need to get help. Its a difficult process but you can get through it. Its best to have support and to not go through it alone. Good luck to you :)

" I think it is so disgusting and weak" I can't tell you how many times I have said that to myself in the past. I was bulimic for 4 years, and 2 years later I still struggle with it. I recommend you do your research on bulimia the disorder. I can't stress how important it is you find someone you trust to talk with about it! you will need the emotional support and if you can't talk to your boyfriend, then you should at least talk to a therapist. I don't know if you go to school but they have free ones if you attend college. bulimia is a cycle: stress->eat->guilt->purge->relief->guilt. the cycle has to stop somewhere; you CAN get past the guilt, try to hold yourself accountable for what you eat! purging makes you feel terrible, if you're anything like me you get dizzy, your throat is raw, and you hate yourself for it. there is hope for you, healing is a long process just remember bulimia is about the habits you form mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I know exactly what you mean. Every night when I'm standing over the toilet I tell myself never again! It's like, I feel so horrible after everytime I do it that why would I want to do it again? But I do, over and over and over. I've been bulimic for 7 months now, not that long I know, but I feel the shame, self hatred, depression, etc, just as much as anyone else. I never thought I would come down with an eating disorder. I used to never understand them. i was the person who said "well, why don't anorexics just eat?" and "why don't bulimics just stop throwing up and eat healthy?" Ha, well, I guess karma is a *****. Now I completely understand why anorexics cant "just eat" and why bulimics can't "just stop throwing up" Anyways, don't ever feel that you are alone and I know one day you will get through this. Don't ever give up the fight to stop. There is always a way.

It's so crazy how we all think alike. Every time I purge I'm disgusted with myself. I used to always be the anti-ED girl. I would always almost act like "they" were unstable and it was just a stupid thing that quacks would call a disorder to make them feel better. Then I started. Quickly realized how fast I was losing weight. Now I just do it keep the weight off. I just want to stop.

I understand 1000% because i'm in the same boat. Every time I decide like you the simple watch your intake, smaller portions, I get all hyped about it then when the time comes I just can't control myself and then when I do purge I feel SO GOOD about myself, like proud...

Me too!! I just joined EP and am hoping that everytime I get that CRAVE-ing that I just can't help, I will come on here and read these posts. I reeeeeeally want to stop.

I know how you feel about the whole "just eat less food" thing. I've been low carbing and I felt great. After a week I stepped on the scale and didn't weigh any less. So, being annoyed from being deprived I've been going to town on carbs the past couple days....and I've been throwing all of them up. I'm embarrassed too. The irony, my best friend and I have joked people about being bulimic. (not to their faces) but we'll act all high and mighty and act like bulimic people are idiots. Well, I guess I'm an idiot.

oh my god i feel similar. I did a no wheat no dairy no sugar cleanse for 12 days and felt fantastic, didnt purge once. I felt like I looked different, but then I got on the scale and I didnt weigh any less. I felt so disheartened and angry. what was the use? I ended up binging and purging.

I am the EXACT same way! I try to diet but feel fatter. I too made fun of people for doing it and inside I feel like such a liar. It is the most embarrassing thing for me in my life. I have never told anybody about it. I just want it to stop.

Hey I am sorry to hear that babe...but i was the same way also...i still have my relapses every now and then. I dealt with bulimia for 6 years, fought constantly with my family, so i began to drink...which led me to being raped at party...which only made the bulimia worse. I can tell you this...YOU can get over it!! I went into rehab at Remuda Rehab center and it helped a lot...but like i said i still have relapses...i would really like to talk to you more..if you want to that is...call or text my cell if you want anytime..my name is ashley..513 379 8338

I understand your pain. This is going to sound shocking perhaps, but it isn't about the food intake. It is about control. This activity gives you control of something. Are other ares of life stressful and out of control. It is also about the feeling. For those who have never suffered with this it can't be understood. There is a release after the purge. The pent up stress is thrown up with the food. If you haven't thought about it this way I challendge you to do so. It won' make the healong process easier, but perhaps it will give you insight and that is progress.<br />
Please message me if you need to talk. I have dealt with these issues and understand the multitude of frustration, embarassment, and emotion that go with them.<br />
There is hope.

i feel exactly like you, i love my boyfriend but i am afraid to tell him because i dont want to lose him...his sister was bulimic and he hates her for it....i cant go more than aday witthout throwing up...i am in so much pain...i need to stop.

Awh. That's terrible. But if your boyfriend would ditch you because of something like this then he probably isn't the right one. Just try to think of alternate ways to deal with life. (Hope I helped)

i feel exactly like you, i love my boyfriend but i am afraid to tell him because i dont want to lose him...his sister was bulimic and he hates her for it....i cant go more than aday witthout throwing up...i am in so much pain...i need to stop.