I Need Help

I really can't do this anymore. I hate myself. I've been like this for so long, I can't remember what it's like to be normal. I've been bulimic since I was 15. I'm now 22. It scares me so much to think about what I've done to myself. I can't even remember why I thought I was fat.....I was always so depressed, so anxious. And it just manifested from there, this need to be 'better'. It's been the one thing I've felt I couldn't deal with. Depression was manageable, I just felt nothing. Panic attacks, as awful as they were I was able to overcome.

But you have to eat to live. And eating is my problem. I heard someone say once "it's like telling a heroin addict, or a recovering alcoholic to have just one beer, just one hit a day. That's what it's like with food". That's how I feel. I hate myself after I've eaten. It plays on my mind. I can feel it in my stomach. I get antsy and nervous. I hate the feeling, because it's like I've 'given in' to the urge to eat. I instantly feel ugly and fat after I've eaten. Even though rationally in my head, I know I'm not fat as I weigh 53kg.

It's like I've gone from 53kg to 100kg after eating one meal. I worry that eating that once has made me huge.  Ironically, I'm terrified of having health problems. I'm terrified my teeth will rot (surprisingly, they haven't). I'm terrified my insides are ******. I'm terrified I've done some irreparable damage to myself that will kill me.

And that's the thing. I don't want to die. I want to live. I love my boyfriend of a year, and he doesn't know. I want to start a life with him, and be together. I want to experience a life that people who are in love experience. I'm so tired of being a **** up, tired of being this hideously flawed on the inside. I don't want to die, but I find it near impossible to eat. I just needed to let this out, I need some advice from people who understand. People get so angry when they know, it makes it so much harder. I'm so sick of guilt and of hiding, I just want help that doesn't require the whole world to know. Because I hate people and their lack of empathy and their rush to judge.



scaredoflife scaredoflife
3 Responses Sep 22, 2008

I know. It's really hard when you have someone there all the time, and they're so normal.<br />
Like, they'll make dinner or food and give some to you (without asking if you want any) and you think "NO! I DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT".<br />
Because a lot of the time I just avoid eating until I really have to.<br />
I'm also sporadic with how much I care about my situation.<br />
I wrote this story in one of my really down moods. Sometimes you try to ignore it for so long, you have other things going on, but it builds up and you think "what the **** is wrong with me?"

I truely understand. I think ok, eat a bite, just one. Then I say eat the whole thing, we'll throw it up. Then I eat the whole bag of chips and everything else I can find in the fridge. I feel so guilty that I ate. I have to get rid of it. I have guilt after I purge. Then I feel I should purge again because "what if I didn't get it all" I have guilt over thinking that too. <br />
My boyfriend of 17 months, figured out that I was vomiting regularly. He thought we were going to have a baby. I hid it the best I could, for as long as I could. He's not stupid. He realized that I'm mia. I've had to get better at hiding it.

I hear u girl. Me 2!!! I have been Mia 4 years as well, and now... Well, I just don't know what 2 say anymore.