I really can't do this anymore. I hate myself. I've been like this for so long, I can't remember what it's like to be normal. I've been bulimic since I was 15. I'm now 22. It scares me so much to think about what I've done to myself. I can't even remember why I thought I was fat.....I was always so depressed, so anxious. And it just manifested from there, this need to be 'better'. It's been the one thing I've felt I couldn't deal with. Depression was manageable, I just felt nothing. Panic attacks, as awful as they were I was able to overcome.
But you have to eat to live. And eating is my problem. I heard someone say once "it's like telling a heroin addict, or a recovering alcoholic to have just one beer, just one hit a day. That's what it's like with food". That's how I feel. I hate myself after I've eaten. It plays on my mind. I can feel it in my stomach. I get antsy and nervous. I hate the feeling, because it's like I've 'given in' to the urge to eat. I instantly feel ugly and fat after I've eaten. Even though rationally in my head, I know I'm not fat as I weigh 53kg.
It's like I've gone from 53kg to 100kg after eating one meal. I worry that eating that once has made me huge. Ironically, I'm terrified of having health problems. I'm terrified my teeth will rot (surprisingly, they haven't). I'm terrified my insides are ******. I'm terrified I've done some irreparable damage to myself that will kill me.
And that's the thing. I don't want to die. I want to live. I love my boyfriend of a year, and he doesn't know. I want to start a life with him, and be together. I want to experience a life that people who are in love experience. I'm so tired of being a **** up, tired of being this hideously flawed on the inside. I don't want to die, but I find it near impossible to eat. I just needed to let this out, I need some advice from people who understand. People get so angry when they know, it makes it so much harder. I'm so sick of guilt and of hiding, I just want help that doesn't require the whole world to know. Because I hate people and their lack of empathy and their rush to judge.