Bulimic In Recovery

I guess i was always a binge eater; i don't remember when i became bulimic.  i remember doing it occasionally in university, and after i graduated when i was alone all the time.  it seemed like i had no friends at all to lean on, except myself. 

it got really bad when i moved across the country to try to start a new life. my first job was really stressful- everyone there seemed to hate me.  i still had no friends.  bulimia became a daily way of existing.  even when i got a better job where i made some friends it didn't get any better.  i finally sought help about a year and a half ago.  therapy was helpful to the extent that someone finally was listening to me.

but giving up bulimia meant giving up my way of dealing with stress.  i was numb as long as i was worried about lunch and calories and shopping.  when i started to recover a lot of feelings were released.  i experienced a euphoria and energy that i hadn't felt in...forever.  i started writing and learning guitar and singing.  but it also threw me into a pit of despair so deep and dark that i had several times when i was actively imagining my death or planning it.  silverchair's 'suicidal dream' and 'never too late' became my theme songs.

but things are okay right now.  my arts are saving me.  i expect the suicidal feelings now, so i can get through them.  sometimes i relapse. that's to be expected too.  i just put it behind me and move on.  i will be bulimic for the rest of my life, i am sure.

i relapse all the time.  but there's nothing else to do except keep moving on.  i read that the only way to stop the binging is to stop the purging, so it's a battle to just let myself overeat sometimes and then just 'let it go'.  but it's really, really, REALLY hard to do.  after i overeat, i get so scared and upset, like 'i'm going to be fat and then i'll be single forever'.  I just can't risk that happening. 

findaway findaway
26-30, F
21 Responses Aug 6, 2007

Did you know when you binge your body has already absorbed all the calories? You are really just throwing the substance back up. Waste of time, really.

I feel the same way. Even when I haven't purged in a year I still know I'm bulimic. One really horrible experience and I binge for 1-2 weeks and then it just has to come out. I have worked hard to look and feel good (with lots of good food and exercise), so I WON'T let one exp and binging week take it back (I can gain up to 3 kg/6 pounds in 1-2 weeks.) My, maybe everyone's, problem is that it's an emotional and psychological issue that needs to be managed. There is a saying; "Don't clear your overflowing cellar with a bucket! Turn off the tap!"
Sometimes it helps if I make really yummy, low calorie, food and binge on it. Then I don't feel guilty at all - I don't have anything against real food; only junk food! If you want I could give you some recipes :)

I though my life would end very soon...after suffering in ED for more than 8 years.. I was tired of myself, disgusted about myself..etc.. Till I found GOD, honeslty, If I didnt, I would still be cycling the same road forever: getting better, falling down, getting better, falling even more deeper. Now am cured and all thanks to GOD the almighty. I never believed I can be back to normal with the things I eat and things I do...amazing, I hope God will guide you all to the right path!!! Stop pleasing the devil inside you and raise your hands to GOD!! Ishallah, God will help you:) I know, coz He helped me :):)

I am 44 years old, female, and have been bulimic since I was 16. I have had many "remissions" from active binging and purging over the years. For instance, during my 3 pregnancies I was able to eat in a healthy manner and not purge. However, for me it is like alcoholism. It will always be there in the back of my head as a method for coping with difficulties in life. I cannot do it "just this one time". I need to maintain healthier methods to cope and COMMIT to utilizing them. I entered treatment when I was 25. It helped me to learn new ways to cope with the difficult parts of my life. I use medication daily, which is essential for me. However, BULIMIA is always there in the background. If I have missed my medication I sometimes find myself overeating and leaning over the toilet bowl considering....Also, when life gets really stressful...I find myself stuffing myself and leaning over the toilet bowl....considering.... Often I am able to stop myself and realize what is happening and redirect myself to healthier behaviors - talking it out with my sweetheart, light excercise, playing with my dog or kids...etc. Sometimes, I "reach for the bottle" and put my fingers down my throat and make myself vomit over and over and over. I am not only purging the food, but I am purging the pain, the discomfort and the feelings that are too difficult to face. I had my teeth checked for damage years ago and was lucky. I have no esophogeal issues. I consider myself fortunate. Please, please, please do yourself the favor of talking to your doctor. Do not stop talking to your doctor until you are referred to the right program or specialist for you. You must love yourself (or love the ones who love you) enough to learn all you can about healthier coping mechanisms. There is so much shame and sneakiness involved in a life with bulimia. No one deserves to live life that way! I wish you a happier future. OX

I know exactly how you feel. I too feel like I will be bulimic forever, help or no help. I hate it. I envy those who can just have a regular portion size of something and go about their day. I just don't know how to have enough to satisfy me. Its all or nothing for me, in every aspect of my life. Its a ****** up disease, and I hope we both can overcome it soon.

Hey there. I'm battling with my bulimia . Yeah it's difficult to stop the binging after you feel the meal u had was a lot..but this is what I do if I feel I over ate. I'll exercise a little bit like for half an hour and I focused on my painting or drawing. I bet you can pass this with your talent in music. Be strong :)

Keep up the art! I am also bulimic, and suffered for years with severe depression. I was homeless once upon a time, and while I still suffer and struggle I have found my calling in life, which is to be an art teacher. When I have days when I'm ready to give up, I think about the gift that has been given to me and to you.

I don't think there is any one thing anyone could have said to me to stop this. If there was something chances are it would be different for someone else. I think you really need to get to the root cause of why you are the way you are. That can be very difficult and you have to want to do it When I first started binging and purging I just thought it was the best thing ever. Thought it was my best kept secret and I could have my cake and eat it too. When I was in that head space I don't think there is anything anyone could have said or done to change my mind. For me personally I am very focused on health and feeling well. I know that sounds ridiculous but that is my. Crazy as it sounds I am a bit of a health nut and that helped me to to recover. Not sure it would be the same for anyone else though

I would like to talk to you we have that health nut thing in common

I just noticed that now. Happy to talk to you, sorry I didn't notice this.

I wish I can't stop for one day and have grope support to encourage me

I wish I can't stop for one day and have grope support to encourage me

I wish I can't stop for one day and have grope support to encourage me

I wish I was on the recovery. It comforts me to know that there are others suffering from the same problem. Is there anyway that the esphagus will heal by itself in time without purging?

I would love to know the answer to this as well. I also would like to know what kind of symptoms ppl have been getting from bulemia? Does anyone cough more often or sound sick?

yes. i cough more ANd sound raspy sometimes, and i contribute it to 15+ years bulimia. i also have many medical symptoms, irregular heart beats, insomnia, depression, nauseous all the time, acid reflux, anxiety, extreme low self esteem, headaches, puffiness in face, blood shot eyes.. and then extreme fatigue most of the time.

p.s bulimia will never cause you to lose weight. ever. bulimia will lead you into a cycle of binging and purging, never being able to get enough. never satisfied. never stuffed. but always longing for it. emotionally and physically. i think it is one of the worst mental illness' to suffer from. guilt, shame, emptiness, loneliness, horrible feeling. bulimia sucks.

peter384 its not too late to change your life around. please dont say youre waiting to die! theres always hope. stay strong, try your best to look at the positives in your life like your friends and family and just keep trying :)<br />
<br />
findaway - i know how your feel but i think we just have to keep doing our best and hopefully things will eventually get better and then we'l get better or the other way around. i suppose we just have to hope for the best :)

i would like to trade places with you, i,m over weight with diabetes.i would say at less you have a chance to get help i,m only waitting to die.

at least you're lucky that your symptoms is lessen.<br />
<br />
but i wonder, is bulimia relapsed that often?

what happens to your teeth?

The enamel--the protective outer layer--is worn away by the stomach acids. The gums are slowly destroyed. We lose teeth. I have no molars left and wear partials. I had the dentist coat something over the inside of my two top teeth to try to protect them---from purging. Get help right away....

hi, i beg you...<br />
any bulimics have esophagus problems, where when they eat, the acids come up, and it hurts the chest/esophagus/ sometimes reaching up to the throat...MORE like GERD or chronic acid reflux ON daily basis? PLS save my life and help me...I am on medication but my chronic reflux is so bad, it happens even when i don't eat, the acids crawl up my esophagus; i think its due to WEAK esophagus MUSCLES due to purging...I only purged 3 months, about 20 times and - ended up with this?<br />
<br />
anyone purges with such problems?<br />
<br />

This may be off topic but I am desperate. My son, who is thin has started binging and purging again. I don't know what to do. He has been to counseling with no success and I know this is very humiliating for him, but I can't live with this. I think this is how he deals with his anger. He is in his early twenties. What could anyone have said to you to help you? Most people think this is a female issue but I have worked with young people and I think it is not uncommon with males. I wish all of you courage and strength.

It is really hard to stop. I have been battling this for over 10 years. I will be okay for awhile then I go backwards. I feel better when I do purge. I know that sounds awful but I don't hate myself so much. It is a daily battle. I know that I will always have to deal with this and it is hard. There is no one in my life that I trust to help me. I am thinking about you and hope that you will find strength to keep getting better.

I kind of know how you feel.<br />
I mean I have never been that bad.<br />
But I am fat and when I do get depressed I tend to start purging, I haven't done it in about 3 weeks so thats always good. I hate having to hide it, but everyone would make it such a big deal, stay strong

I agree with the 'big deal' comment. its not that I dont think it is a big deal, because i guess it is. its that I dont want people to know and then start to think of me differently. I think thats what bothers me the most

I know what you mean.. I stopped for about 6 months and then I relapsed again... and I think the way I did it was by stopping the purging. Have you ever planned to throw up after you eat? Well I do it all the time... actually on a regular basis, and I remember after I would binge and then I would stop myself from purging, I think the reason I relapsed was because I gained so much weight during my 'recovery' and now I dotn know what to do anymore, I want this to be gone, but I think I am so damaged mentally and physically I dont know what the next step is anymore...