I Have Bulimia
I guess i was always a binge eater; i don't remember when i became bulimic. i remember doing it occasionally in university, and after i graduated when i was alone all the time. it seemed like i had no friends at all to lean on, except myself.
it got really bad when i moved across the country to try to start a new life. my first job was really stressful- everyone there seemed to hate me. i still had no friends. bulimia became a daily way of existing. even when i got a better job where i made some friends it didn't get any better. i finally sought help about a year and a half ago. therapy was helpful to the extent that someone finally was listening to me.
but giving up bulimia meant giving up my way of dealing with stress. i was numb as long as i was worried about lunch and calories and shopping. when i started to recover a lot of feelings were released. i experienced a euphoria and energy that i hadn't felt in...forever. i started writing and learning guitar and singing. but it also threw me into a pit of despair so deep and dark that i had several times when i was actively imagining my death or planning it. silverchair's 'suicidal dream' and 'never too late' became my theme songs.
but things are okay right now. my arts are saving me. i expect the suicidal feelings now, so i can get through them. sometimes i relapse. that's to be expected too. i just put it behind me and move on. i will be bulimic for the rest of my life, i am sure.
i relapse all the time. but there's nothing else to do except keep moving on. i read that the only way to stop the binging is to stop the purging, so it's a battle to just let myself overeat sometimes and then just 'let it go'. but it's really, really, REALLY hard to do. after i overeat, i get so scared and upset, like 'i'm going to be fat and then i'll be single forever'. I just can't risk that happening.
