From Love to Bulimia

I was bulimic for a year and a half, which started at school because I knew three other girls who had it, and I guess I just wanted some of that thinness that they all had and I didn't! I lost a lot of weight and was surprisingly very happy! Until I met the absolute love of my life. Which was what I thought for about 6 months. During our relationship, I stopped being sick and was eating normally and totally confided in him. During our relationship, since I stopped bulimia altogether, I put on about 30pounds! Worse yet, he was VERY controlling and possessive and violent. I was desperately unhappy, not only was i FAT but I was in a crappy relationship, constantly being put down, told what to wear, told who not to see, told where not to go etc. He'd throw the bulimia thing in my face all the time! He said the worst things anyone has ever said to me, mainly about my weight. If I looked at someone in the 'wrong way'... I'd regret it later! This was the lowest point in my life- but it took me a year to break up with him. That was two years ago!!!! I would love to say I'm now much happier, but BULIMIA has come back with revenge! Don't get me wrong, i love that I'm no longer with him! I realized I would never be treated like that again, and I thought being skinny was the only way to get some power back into my life. However, I hate it. I'm not skinny, I never will be and I blame everything on that one guy. Damn he makes me angry!

 

OK so now my eating pattern starts with green tea and porridge, followed by an apple and then for lunch i'll have half a sandwich. I think thats pretty good, until i get home.... The first thing I do is go to the kitchen. I eat a good dinner, like healthy, then i think oh maybe just one biscuit? I eat 3, or the whole packet. So then I feel really guilty, so think "oh if i'm going to be sick I might as well eat loads!" Oh damn, I then go through a whole cake, pasta, ice cream, sandwichs, chocolate... I then say i'm going to have a bath. While it's running, so no one can hear, I chuck up everything. If i can that is, it's getting ever so harder to purge now which is such a worry! I then clean my teeth, have some mouth wash and go back and have vitamins so my hair doesn't fall out. I know, it's absolutely disgusting. It's vile. But afterwards, I feel great! I don't feel hungry, I feel thinner, I feel great.

 

However, during the night I have terrible heart burn and I'm starving hungry! And in the morning, my throat is agony and I say NEVER AGAIN. But, I do it everyday, every evening. It's gross.

 

So yeah! That's how my "oh I'll do it to lose a few pounds" went to being a depressed bulimic!

DarceySmile DarceySmile
18-21, F
7 Responses Feb 13, 2009

StopThis I really feel for you, I am so so sorry that you're going through something as similar as i did. It was horrible. I thought it would make me happier, and I hate to say it, but when I'm thinner- I am happier. I just did it the wrong way. I am no longer purging and would not class myself as bulimic. I am certainly not one of those people who can eat whatever and still look amazing. I realise I have to watch what I eat, but I can deal with that now. I will always struggle with my body image. Which is surprising because I'm actually very confident. I'm engaged to the most amazing man who could not be more loving and complimentary- Something that I definitely need. He's helped me without even knowing it. And when I'm with him, I feel so damn sexy. I firmly believe it's the way you see yourself. For example. My body is pretty much the same as it was when I broke up with the guy in my story... And I hated even looking in the mirror. But NOW... Jesus, I let my partner film me for goodness sake! I mean, it's completely altered. It's not always the way your body looks.. It's the way you USE IT. CONFIDENCE. Definitely confidence. Pretend you love yourself.. and eventually you will darling!

i cant believe how much your story is like mine. it makes me ache that you are going through this too. i was never in an abusive relationship but i do have someone always commenting on my weight and making me feel like a failure if i am fat. <br />
but your eating patterns mirror mine exactly..... starting with something small then thinking "im going to throw it all up anyway!" then i sit in the bathroom crying as i throw it all up thinking "tomorrow i'll tell someone and it'll all end... this is the end" but it never is.<br />
i hate it... i just wish that i didnt go through this and i had the same relationship with food as everyone else... it really doesnt seem fair. <br />
i feel for you and i hope that this ends for you soon

Hey Lillu01, I'm sorry to hear you go through the same things I do, it's not fun. But yeah I have those depressive ruts too- a lot of people do I think, but in these moods is often when I eat the most and then I feel so crappy i don't throw it up, which makes me feel better, but then I fell fatter so start to purge again. The cycle just continues to grow. I just get upset because so many of my friends can lose 20 pounds in a few weeks but, I lose one or two pounds in months and I don't eat properly! It's just so unfair. But I hope you feel happier soon x

hey, your attitude sounds like the same as mine. im sorry to hear you went out with such a horrible person you deserve so much better. do you get stuck in these depressive ruts aswell? when im sick i lock myself in my room and just throw up and then feel really low and depressed for hours. i hope that some how we will be able to get out of it xxx

hey, your attitude sounds like the same as mine. im sorry to hear you went out with such a horrible person you deserve so much better. do you get stuck in these depressive ruts aswell? when im sick i lock myself in my room and just throw up and then feel really low and depressed for hours. i hope that some how we will be able to get out of it xxx

sometimes it takes one minute at a time. but it may help you get through it by knowing you are not alone in this...<br />
~Scarlette

Such a touching story and one that is familiar to so many of us..... One day at a time is the only thing that works for me....and if I fail one day, I just move on and try harder the next one....<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing!!