I Never Thought This Could Happen...
it all started when i was in sixth grade; my aunt told me i could be a model.
"really?" i said. i never thought that i was pretty; let alone thin enought to even be thought of in that way.
gradually it all started to change. i noticed that my aunt did not repeat that sentiment at the next christmas; nor anyone at following family get-togethers. i was devastated.
so high school came and went. i went from a size 6 to a size 14. at 6'0" no one noticed. but i was disgusted by my appearance.
i was athletic; so no one noticed the weight i had gained. the belly fat; the arm flab, the thighs that jiggle when you run-- yes, they all bothered me, but i had no idea what to do about them.
then came freshman year in college. my weight ballooned. my stomach reflected this. and suddenly i became what i had made fun of; the tall, BIG girl.
so i started working out and eating healthy- nothing wrong with that.
then it became every day; every day i would work out. for hours on end.
and i started to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables. ever.
that summer i attained the greatest compliments ever. "have you lost weight?" "you look thin!" and "wow! how did you become that fit?" filled my ears. i was satisfied.
but i thought that i could do better; i could surely lose more.
so i did. regardless of if what l ate was healthy or not; i 'got rid' of it. gone. and it continued. i 'got rid of' the foods that made me feel better; feel safe; feel secure; but at the same time made me feel fat; hypocritical; and like a judgemental *****. but i lost the weight and looked hot.
i began to work out twice a day rather than 'get rid of' certain foods. it made me more energized, but still made me judge others around me. to this day i cannot stop myself from thinking others are 'fat' and 'large' and 'ugly'...no matter how sorry i am for thinking it. i cannot bring myself to feel good enough about me to let go of how i judge others. and i still 'get rid of' food that i feel is 'unnecessary' to my physique.
it's like a control i never had before; one in which i can directly shape the status of my body. but i have too much control; control which i use to boost my self esteem while bringing down that of others; even my closest friends.
and this i regret.
i have come to the conclusion that no one will know my struggle to be 'model thin' as my aunt once called me; but at the same time i will never know complete compassion due to my struggle to be thin. to be the 'perfect' body, a model body.
and so it continues; if i could stop i would; but i can't let myself become repugnant.