I Never Thought This Could Happen...

it all started when i was in sixth grade; my aunt told me i could be a model. 

"really?"  i said.  i never thought that i was pretty; let alone thin enought to even be thought of in that way.

gradually it all started to change.  i noticed that my aunt did not repeat that sentiment at the next christmas; nor anyone at following family get-togethers.  i was devastated.

so high school came and went.  i went from a size 6 to a size 14.  at 6'0" no one noticed.  but i was disgusted by my appearance.

i was athletic; so no one noticed the weight i had gained.  the belly fat; the arm flab, the thighs that jiggle when you run-- yes, they all bothered me, but i had no idea what to do about them.

then came freshman year in college.  my weight ballooned.  my stomach reflected this.  and suddenly i became what i had made fun of; the tall, BIG girl.

so i started working out and eating healthy- nothing wrong with that.

then it became every day; every day i would work out.  for hours on end.

and i started to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables.  ever.

that summer i attained the greatest compliments ever.  "have you lost weight?"  "you look thin!"  and "wow! how did you become that fit?"  filled my ears.  i was satisfied.

but i thought that i could do better; i could surely lose more.

so i did.  regardless of if what l ate was healthy or not; i 'got rid' of it.  gone.  and it continued.  i 'got rid of' the foods that made me feel better; feel safe; feel secure; but at the same time made me feel fat; hypocritical; and like a judgemental *****.  but i lost the weight and looked hot.

i began to work out twice a day rather than 'get rid of' certain foods.  it made me more energized, but still made me judge others around me.  to this day i cannot stop myself from thinking others are 'fat' and 'large' and 'ugly'...no matter how sorry i am for thinking it.  i cannot bring myself to feel good enough about me to let go of how i judge others.  and i still 'get rid of' food that i feel is 'unnecessary' to my physique. 

it's like a control i never had before; one in which i can directly shape the status of my body.  but i have too much control; control which i use to boost my self esteem while bringing down that of others; even my closest friends.

and this i regret.

i have come to the conclusion that no one will know my struggle to be 'model thin' as my aunt once called me; but at the same time i will never know complete compassion due to my struggle to be thin. to be the 'perfect' body, a model body.


and so it continues; if i could stop i would; but i can't let myself become repugnant.

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1 Response Feb 26, 2009

wow. I read your whole story and i just wanna say talking makes you more confident so please!!! i will always be here!