Perfection Is a Misconception

I have always been the "perfect" straight A athletic fun girl that most everyone loves. But underneath it all no one sees how much i hurt inside.

Before i tell my story here's a little background info on me: my dad's a pastor (this adds to the need to be perfect factor... i don't know, something about having a couple hundred people watching everything i do).

My 7th grade year was really tough for me. That winter my best friend/ mentor died due to wilson's disease. This made me so depressed and i handled it by eating... everything! the night she died i ate a whole box of pizza in one sitting. Then that summer my grandma died, followed by my dog.

8th grade year started to go better for me, eventhough i was still in alot of pain emotionally. In the spring of that year though, on my way home from track, I heard some high school girls snickering and saying look at her legs! they're huge! That day i ran home and cried for hours.

The start of 9th grade felt like my whole life was being uprooted. My dad accepted a job at a 3,000 person church, so we had to leave the church we'd been attending for 6 years! then, i started high school. The begining of freshman year was when i started experimenting with anorexia. I wouldn't eat for days at a time and it felt so good! then i would crack and eat thousands of calories. Then one day in November i had a brillant idea... i can eat alot and if i throw up its like i never even ate it, the calories won't matter.

So that's what i started to do. By december i was throwing up over 7 times a day. Anything that went into my mouth came out, even if it was only half an apple. This lasted until the end of January when my dad heard me throwing up after dinner. He threatened to tell someone if i didn't stop. PEOPLE KNOWING IS NOT GOOD. so i said i'd stop. i honestly tried to. i only did it every so often, and when track started i stopped completely.

Instead, when track started i became a compulsive exerciser. This continued into sophomore year where i did cross country. Unfortuantly my bingeing never stopped so i would intake thousands of calories a day and u know u can only burn off so much.

Between sophomore and junior year i ballooned up and gained 20 lbs!! i do admit i also gained muscle, but fat as well... i went up 3 pant sizes.

I've been so sick of being fat that i started again... in January of junior year... so about two and a half months ago. its not nearly as bad as it was, the most i've thrown up in a day is three times. and i haven't thrown up for three days cus i need to get a physical in a week and i'm really scared about what the doctor can tell... if my parents found out again i think i'd die.

It's not that i want to throw up my food... i HAVE to. I CAN'T gain any weight. Weight=failure.imperfection.ugly.

sorry this is so long, its not even all that i could say about me and my bulimia, but it's all i feel the need to let out.

lakegurl908 lakegurl908
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 5, 2009

I totally feel for you! I play softball for a division 1 school and have struggled with my weight as well as bulimia for the past few years. I know how it feels to have your weight constantly judged and depicted by others. My coach continues to tell me that I've gained weight and am not what a D1 athlete should look like. I continue to seek perfection to satisfy those around me and the only way I know how to do that is to purge. I know I can't tell you to stay strong because I myself am stuggling. I can tell you that you are not alone and you have support. Please try and trust God because He does have a plan for you.

Is there a counselor at school that you could talk to. I understand the PK's. My mother was the organist at our church growing up so we had the same type of pressure. Believe it or not, with that many people in your church, there are more bulemics or anorexics in the congregation. You just don't know it.<br />
Unfortunately, pastors and their families have the same type of problems that everyone has.<br />
<br />
Please find someone that can help you. You need to be talking this out even if it doesn't change right away.<br />
Telling your story is good but real time help is better.<br />
<br />

Dear Lakegurl,<br />
<br />
You are beautiful!!!<br />
<br />
I know that because you have something you are trying to "maintain" and on some level you must also believe this or you wouldn't always try to "stay perfect".<br />
<br />
You would feel so much better if you stopped hiding. I know that's much easier said than done and I've never had an eating disorder so I'm not trying to say I totally understand but I have suffered from grave forms of addiction in my younger years (I'm only 30 now) and I can say for certain that in hindsight, I am VERY GRATEFUL for the moments where I was forced to face up to what I was doing. They were painful moments but they began a healing process.<br />
<br />
You will always feel sick inside as long as you keep doing things you know are hurting you and nothing can get better with avoidance. You're reaching out today or why else would you have written on this site. You want to change, you just don't know it yet. And you do not NEED to stay so thin to be perfect. True beauty comes from learning to shine in your eyes. It comes from being positive and truly learning to love yourself.<br />
<br />
If you want my best suggestion... and I'm not sure if you do but... one of my greatest tools of change has been an audio recording by Brian Tracy called "The Psychology of Achievement". I think I've seen it as a download on the internet on limewire or something of that nature. He taught me how to start to love myself in small doses. Step 1 is telling yourself OUT LOUD "I Like Myself!" Try it now... you'll see how over the years you've taught yourself to feel so bad that even saying that hurts. The more you say it though, the easier it gets. And if you keep at it several times a day, in no time, it starts to work and you do start to feel wonderful about yourself. <br />
<br />
You can also watch the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?!?!" That one might help you make your body look better to yourself. Watch it, you'll understand what I mean when you do.<br />
<br />
I do feel for you deeply and I hope you see the beauty you have to offer yourself and the world. One day at a time is all we can though isn't it?<br />
<br />
Wishing You the Beginning of a Journey of Self Love ♥<br />
<br />
Miss Moi ♥