My Experiences With Anorexia and Bulimia

"I Have Bulimia"... i've had an eating disorder for about 2yrs now... it is the hardest thing i've ever had to battle... I keep blaming myself for it but... the doctors say it's not my fault.... they say that relapsing is normal.... it is so frusturating to believe especially when i feel the need to be perfect. My eating disorder started in 8th grade.... I wasn't always bulimic... First i was anorexic. But it got to the point that exersising seemed boring and i was hungry and sick of restricting "i always craved food". One day... i began to eat normal... i gained weight and i didn't like it. So in my head out of no where the though came into my head... Maybe if i can j/ find a way to loose the weight i put on people will like me again. So that's when i figured maybe purgeing may work. At first it didn't... but once i learned how to do it the right way.... I began to loose weigh... It was the most satisfying feeling to me ever! I didn't know at the time that i was doing anything wrong... I thought it was the most common and normal thing in the world. But it all spun out of control.... I began skipping school, isolating from friends and family, became depresed, and i lost my boyfriend.... I was always so tired and high tempered and i didn't know why! One day my parents took me to the doctors and the doctor said i had an eating disorder... I just laughed... i thought to myself ur crazy ur the one with the problem. My parents were also in denial.... And i managed to manipulate them to believe that nothing was wrong. So 5 month latter i was hospitalized.... I was diagnozed as anorexic. I needed treatment but my family couldn't afford it so i was discharged to go home and follow up with a therapist. But that didn't work out... I began to binge and purge constantly.... This pattern landed me in the hospital 7 times after that. It's hard to believe that even though i almost died... I didn't care... i just could not stop.... IT'S AN ADDICTION A DRUG! No matter how much weight i lost... i was never satisfied.... i'm never satisfied with my body... i always hated it.... as a little girl being overweight.... i always got picked on... and even to this day... i still hear the voices in my head. I still remember that little girl crying. And now no matter how much weight i loose i feel fater than ever! Resently right now... I am in recovery again! I relapsed and droped weight againg. My parents found me passed out and brought me to the hospital.... It's so frusturating  because i dont know what will happen. The doctors arent sure if im going to go to a residential facility... Or if the county is going to put me in a medical foster home..... i've been through so much in the last 2 years.... And honestly i don't know how i went from being the most popular girl in school... to where i am today..... My family doesn't understand... And no matter how hard my friends try to they don't eighther. I had to dump my boyfriend because he thought it was his fault. And i could not live with myself for that. Recovery is so hard... I wake up and sometimes feel that it's pointlesss. It is so frusturating.... It seems like it's never going to go away... and i guess that in a sence in a way.... it will never go away... that voice will always be in the back of my head. And it being bulimic is hell... I hate it.... Everyday i regret using bingein, purgeing, exersising, and cutting as copping machanisms to numb the pain in my life... I thought i had control... but i was wrong. "ED controled me"

RitzaRitz RitzaRitz
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 19, 2009

wow! i commend you for having the strength to tell your story. i share very similar feeling and often feel helpless. would love to experience recovery with you. contact me if youre interested in a new freind

don't be scared. its true the thinner the fatter you feel. but once you start regaining wiight (YOUR PRPOER WEIGHT) and you are under a psychologists eye (i strngly recommend psychologists) you will see yourself better. you will be eating right, therefore you will have the right hormones, vitamins, proteins and energy and you wont have mood swings or as much depression. you will be stronger to fight it all. honestly, you can imporve, i am doing so. and many have..:)<br />
i know what it is all about, it is horrible.but dont give up..its your life, not anybodys else...xxxxx