I Make Myself Throw-up Sometimes...
I feel a bit like a fake joining this group. I know I probably am bulimic. or something like. But im not thin, definately not skinny and I dont have 'proper' binges... I used to, but not anymore.
I dont even throw-up after meals anymore. Partly because im trying to just be over it and partly because im so afraid of being heard and my family finding out.
I have been making my self throw-up for just over a year. I have been binge eating for almost 2 years. before I 'discovered' purging (i dont like that word) before that I took diet pills and would go as far as eating coffee granules (they speed up metab. and act as a lax) just to undo my binges.
I have been to the gym for hours on end a few times in the past, unfortunatly I will not go alone and I feel too self-conscious there and hate the fact that the room walls are basically mirrors.
This week I have not finished one meal, not one half of a meal because when I feel full I throw-up without trying to. I hate it sometimes, love it others.
I guess I havnt totally stopped because i dont 100% want to. I have one friend who knows or knew. he found out because he caught me doing it 3x, hes the reason I slowed down and dont really have proper binges anymore. I lied to him over and over again about stopping. he has given up asking, he knows im lying and would rather not know. Ever since he found out I have been seeing him less and less. Even though its been half a year since we talked about it I am terrified that he will tell someone. I threatened our friendship to protect my secret. I still feel so guilty about that... but I Know that I would do it again if I had to. I am a horrible person. Please dont hate me for not really being bulimic, if you feel I dont belong in this group tell me and I will leave it. thank-you to anyone who bothered to read all of this.