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I Make Myself Throw-up Sometimes...

I feel a bit like a fake joining this group. I know I probably am bulimic. or something like. But im not thin, definately not skinny and I dont have 'proper' binges... I used to, but not anymore.

I dont even throw-up after meals anymore. Partly because im trying to just be over it and partly because im so afraid of being heard and my family finding out. 

I have been making my self throw-up for just over a year. I have been binge eating for almost 2 years. before I 'discovered' purging (i dont like that word) before that I took diet pills and would go as far as eating coffee granules (they speed up metab. and act as a lax) just to undo my binges.

I have been to the gym for hours on end a few times in the past, unfortunatly I will not go alone and I feel too self-conscious there and hate the fact that the room walls are basically mirrors.

This week I have not finished one meal, not one half of a meal because when I feel full I throw-up without trying to. I hate it sometimes, love it others.

I guess I havnt totally stopped because i dont 100% want to. I have one friend who knows or knew. he found out because he caught me doing it 3x, hes the reason I slowed down and dont really have proper binges anymore. I lied to him over and over again about stopping. he has given up asking, he knows im lying and would rather not know. Ever since he found out I have been seeing him less and less. Even though its been half a year since we talked about it I am terrified that he will tell someone. I threatened our friendship to protect my secret. I still feel so guilty about that... but I Know that I would do it again if I had to. I am a horrible person. Please dont hate me for not really being bulimic, if you feel I dont belong in this group tell me and I will leave it. thank-you to anyone who bothered to read all of this.

pine90apple pine90apple 18-21, F 34 Responses Mar 26, 2009

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I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing until this morning.
I've been making myself sick on and off for the past month now, not after every meal but every bloating or fatty food
Meal.
I've sat there this morning and eaten for the sake of eating and found myself with my head down the toilet without even thinking twice about it.
I've made myself sick three times today already through binging. I'm afraid it's becoming a force of habit now as I don't like to sit down now with the feeling that I have a full stomach so I'm throwing up a lot.
I feel good after it though. No guilt. No disgust. Just content.

I don't really eat and I will have a empty stomach and end up making myself throw up and I'll continue to not eat. Usually, I'll only eat one maybe two times a day, but I don't throw up after eating only on a completely empty stomach.

I just start to make my self throw up yester day I feel sick but also REALLY GOOD .. I feel like its the only way I can loss some weight I eat healthy and workout but I need more I want to lose 20 pound I can't say if I was danger or not cuz I won't become adicted .. I can control it that's my bb ( blackberry ) pin 2935B80A add me if you feel like talking I really care about anyone have problems and I can help you all ..

I just finally got myself to throw up today, I don't want to do it all the time, more like every now and then, and i never felt this happy, but like do you believe that i can make myself throw up every now and then eat healthy and excersize and I would will be okay, since I'm trying to lose weight.plus i pledge on not becoming addicted.

I really want to lose weight and date a gut. But im doing something dangerous

I don't know if i'm bulimic or not either. I occasionally throw up , after eating too much. I have been for 2-3 years now. I didn't ever see myself as bulimic, thinking it was healthy and totally normal- that I was just ridding myself of something I didn't need. I'm not annorexic. I weigh 50 kg and am 5'5 feet. I told my boyfriend recently and he was horrified. I guess this is when I realized I had something wrong with me, that It wasn't normal to make yourself throw up over guilt.

I have also been throwing up for about a year. a little less actually. Partly because I have always felt fat and partly because cutting myself wouldn´t work as a distraction anymore. I would be lying if I said that it didn´t help me. Because it did. It still does. It makes me feel better and less heavy. It basically started when I started taking concerta. Which is medication for ADHD. and it screwed up my apite, and I felt sick everytime i ate. So.. yeah. I lost 10 kilos in a matter of months. But now I can´t seem to loose anymore. I throw up everyday, and I stil don´t loose. So , that´s basicallt what it does. It sucks in the end. You´ll loose a bit of weight, then it stops, but you continue even though you know you wont loose more, and the only thing you loose is your sense of reality and your health. Nosebleeds, constant throat hurting, disgusting teeth , headache, nausia, depression, OBSESSION you name it. It tears you apart. It have torn me apart, I know that, but if you start throwing up, you wont stop. So don´t continue. It´ll **** you up. I know that makes me a hypocrite, but really. It´s some sick ****.

Hey, i'm 13 & everyday after school I make myself throw up after binges. It feels like I can't help it. I also do it after I eat any snack food & anything that contains fat. Am I bulimic or something.??

Don't make yourself throw up!! Yes, it'll make you lose a pound or two but I swear once you start it's very hard to stop...it can also lead to death :( It's not a good idea AT ALL

I am super fat and i am thinking about making myself throw up.... Does it really help to lose weight when you make your self throw up, because i am going to do it and i just want to make sure you lose the weight if not i will find something different to trie.... can someone please post back cause i need to do it now!!!!

Don't do it.! You're not fat! You'll regret it! your probably really beautiful and are you really willing to risk getting white hair also hair loss &' yellow crooked teeth plus your face will start to get old yes it will make you lose a few pounds then it will stop but you will continue to throw up and just for nothing

I just got back from throwing up myself. I've been doing a lot of it this week, more than usual, and I can't stop because...I like it. At the same time I hate it and get mad at myself, but there's no way I don't also feel glad that I got rid of all the crap I had while binging. I don't know whether to stop or continue, but I do know that whatever path I choose has advantages and disadvantages. Oh well, the only one I blame is society.

Recently, I've been doing the same thing. It started two days ago. I had an extreme after school binge and felt so guilty about it that I tried making myself throw up. I didn't know how to & my mom came home. So I waited. The next day, we were at my uncle's camp. My brother had made a comment about me being fat. Simply saying, "Hannah, you're fat" and calling me a "fatty" was enough to really upset me. I went behind some trees and 'fingered' the back of my throat with two fingers. I got some vomit out. I kept doing this until I was satisfied. The next day, (today) I puked twice. This morning, I heard my uncle talking about his niece who's tall and really thin. I hate seeing skinny girls. I feel so fat next to them. So I threw up again behind some trees. My brother also told me today, when we were playing Chicken in the pool, "Well, it's just hard for me to knock Hannah over because she weighs a ton, so.." I got really mad and I slapped him, hard. But the comment got to me. I just got done puking a few minutes ago. I feel as if this is working to helping me lose weight.

Do you really lose the weight???

My best friend makes herself throw up and her mom and dad found out as she tried to kill herself cos she thinks she is really fat, when she is a stick and she was sent to a hospital home. But she is back now and she is continuing to not eat anything and throw up, and I really want her to stop as she is turning into nothing and everytime I see her I just want to make her eat but I know if I do that she will just throw up even more. So since some of you are bulimic could you help me to 'save' my friend because she is just getting worse and worse and I don't know how to help her.

is she still recieving treatment? if not encourage her to get it and remind her that you care about her. dont judge her and offer a friendly ear. listen, do not be pityful, judgemental or angry. support her. be someone she can trust. never give up on her, she is not her illness but she is there, she might not know that, it gets to a point where we feel defined by our illness, do things she perhaps used to find fun.
Im sorry I cant help more, you cant save her and its not your responsibility to, its hers.
Good luck to you both. be strong.

Yeah, she is getting better, but she still has days where she will just think she's no good and will think about killing herself as she isn't thin enough. And thank you, that really did help, and sorry for the really slow reply I didn't remember what this site was called. And thanks again.

I've made myself purge after binges, and I go between not-eating and eating only 200 calories, purging if I go over any at all.<br />
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Is there any place I can go to see a doctor that can diagnose me?<br />
I'm pretty sure I have a problem, but... I'd like to see a doctor; I don't have any money (enough to see one), or insurance.<br />
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Is there anything I can do?<br />
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I'd appreciate a message if you can help xx

I refused to admit to having a problem when I stopped to talking to a close friend. I knew she know something was wrong but would not push it and waited for me talk to her about it. I pushed her away for 5 months knowing if I let down my guard even for a second I would indulge and confide in her how I was really feeling. This day happened a month ago, and I still persist on saying I'm fine and that i was 'feeling emotional' at the time. I feel guilty because I know she knows I'm lying to her. I have been throwing up for about 3 months and dieting for 5. I forget how much I throw up and when I force myself to think about it, I remember an alarming amount which I shut out. For example, today I completely forgot about throwing up after eating a steak slice from greggs. I nearly congratulated myself for only keeping down lunch and only throwing up after gorging on chocolate in the evening. Then i remembered the slice, that ******* slice. I knew as soon as i bought it that I would be vomiting it within the hour. That's two in one day, I thought I was doing a bit better but maybe not. I'm replacing drugs with throwing up. I wasnt hungry when taking drugs (recreationally) and now circumstances have shifted and I find other ways to keep down calories, I rotate toilets in pubs, university, train loos, I'm terrified someone will catch me. I relish in my secret. I hate myself. I make myself feel sick (excuse the pun, couldn't help the dark humour). Is anyone experiencing anything similar?? I feel a bit out on a limb here. Also like a fraud. Hope you all get the help you deserve and need xx

I refused to admit to having a problem when I stopped to talking to a close friend. I knew she know something was wrong but would not push it and waited for me talk to her about it. I pushed her away for 5 months knowing if I let down my guard even for a second I would indulge and confide in her how I was really feeling. This day happened a month ago, and I still persist on saying I'm fine and that i was 'feeling emotional' at the time. I feel guilty because I know she knows I'm lying to her. I have been throwing up for about 3 months and dieting for 5. I forget how much I throw up and when I force myself to think about it, I remember an alarming amount which I shut out. For example, today I completely forgot about throwing up after eating a steak slice from greggs. I nearly congratulated myself for only keeping down lunch and only throwing up after gorging on chocolate in the evening. Then i remembered the slice, that ******* slice. I knew as soon as i bought it that I would be vomiting it within the hour. That's two in one day, I thought I was doing a bit better but maybe not. I'm replacing drugs with throwing up. I wasnt hungry when taking drugs (recreationally) and now circumstances have shifted and I find other ways to keep down calories, I rotate toilets in pubs, university, train loos, I'm terrified someone will catch me. I relish in my secret. I hate myself. I make myself feel sick (excuse the pun, couldn't help the dark humour). Is anyone experiencing anything similar?? I feel a bit out on a limb here. Also like a fraud. Hope you all get the help you deserve and need xx

you are not a fraud, and I know how it feels to push those close to you away, friends and family. Please know there is hope of freedom from this, a life where you dont hate yourself. confide in someone, it makes a world of difference. all the best.

hello i am emma i think am bulimia but not sure i did make my self sick at school then stoped but started again this collage year i am 18 years old . i did make my self sick every time i eat but know dont only when i eat 2 much or feel full i have theis earges to make my self sick plz can anyone help

my recommendation to you is to seek counselling at your college, there should be some available to you. if you feel you have someone you can trust, confide in them. when i was 18 i was near the point of suicide and now I couldnt be further from those thoughts, things get better, but not by themselves you need to make the first steps. All the best

you could say I have suffered bulimia for nearly 10 years, at times I can go months without throwing up other times (especially when i'm depressed) i throw up, but at the moment i get stomach cramps after eating and feel better once I have thrown up. I use to be thin before i fell preg with my first child but the i stacked the weight on and now am a size 16-18 and hate myself, I still suffer depression and am having a tough time at the moment. I have two beautiful kids and a loving husband, but i just cant seem to stop even if i only eat alittle bit

you can stop, but you will slip up, my slip ups got much further apart after I began forgving myself for them and seeing each day as a fresh day and a new beginning at being happy and healthy.

Just so everyone knows. I got help. I got better. Im at uni now and im doing really good. I never thought this would be possible, and I know any sufferers wont believe me but dont give up hope, find someone to talk to; things can and will get better but you have to make the first steps. It has been 1 year and two and a half months since I last had a 'bad day' and Im very proud of myself. I hope your all doing ok xx

Hello I'm Karyn.<br />
I've made myself throw up three times this week. If I eat anything that can make me fat i feel awful about myself and make myself throw up. If I eat only a little piece of chocolate i hate myself so i eat more because i don't know what else to do and then throw up. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know when i started caring so much about being perfectly skinny. I'm 5'11' and 140 pounds. I'm not fat. But for some reason i cannot get it out of my head that i have to be much much skinnier. I look in the mirror and want to be like other people who have nicer bodies.

im the same. i only do it maybe 4 times a month. Im 18, I eat healthy, do regular exercise and im happy with my weight but when i give in to a little bit of bad food i normaly end up eatting a tone of the food ive missed then i make myslef throw up. My mum only recently found out and hasnt said anything. Im trying to stop it. <br />
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rach

im the same. i only do it maybe 4 times a month. Im 18, I eat healthy, do regular exercise and im happy with my weight but when i give in to a little bit of bad food i normaly end up eatting a tone of the food ive missed then i make myslef throw up. My mum only recently found out and hasnt said anything. Im trying to stop it. <br />
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rach

same here... i'm 17, athletic, eat healthy, and weigh like 135...I don't do it a lot, but every couple weeks when i'm really stressed out or tired i just lose it and eat a ton and then throw up... I don't really know how bad for you or dangerous it is just once in a while but i'm scared of not being able to stop

I have been throwing up for 2 years now, but only once every 1-2 weeks. ive been on a diet for these two years and I only purge when I mess up. ive researched the subject and cant find anything wrong with doing it this little. The people going to the hospitals are doing it every meal. I don't feel addicted to it, and I'm am mentally happy with what I am doing, and I am not getting sore throat, I have perfectly white teeth, and no stomach pain. i'm writing on here to ask if there is a catch somewhere because so far I have seen no downside.

I do it sometimes when I feel guilty from eating

Hi My name is Linda<br />
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I have been making myself vomit each time i eat by sticking my fingers down my throat, i have been doing this for three months now i have been really low down and depressed for the past five yrs, i recentley came out of hospital because i was selfharming. i make myself vomit after each time i eat cos i feel fat all the time n ugly and i really want to loose at least 2-3 stone i have lost just over a stone but still feel fat...now i really dont no if it is bulimia of somthing else, i think i need some advise

Hello my name is Krystal,<br />
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Ever since i could remember i have had a fast matablisim and am fairly skinny. I am 5'2 and 106 to skinny for my liking. I dont want to throw up because i have a probablem with my weight, I'd actually like weigh more. Sometimes I make myself throw up after a meal only if i feel like i swallowed something the worng way. I have this spitting thing i do alot were i have a lot of mucus on setting in the back of my throat and i hack it up. so my throat is always going through ****. i feel like i need to go on a non-dairy and high protine liquid diet and give my throat time to heal. I dont want this to hurt me any longer. Its been like this for a year now. can any one give me some advice?<br />
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thank you,<br />
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Krystal<br />
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ps. im new to this site and my sn is akeentruth and I'd like some advice from anyone who is willing

Hi,, i am 36 this year and have been bulimic since i was 12. I am in hell. One month ago i had to quit my job as my long term depression seems to have got the better of me. What 2 say? I guess i am looking 4 someone in a simular possition 2 talk 2 on ocassion,as through my own bad choices and doings am extreamly isolated and alone..... ubchina

dont do it!! I am in a very similar situation to you. I am a girl around your age who was bulimic for a few years. It is awful, so many times I had thought i had reached rock bottom only to realize i wasnt there yet. i was very lucky. i stopped before the damage started because i became so scared. you have your whole life ahead of you and its up to YOU how your destiny plays out. something i realized that helped me stop was that only i am in control of whether i am "all about looks" or not. in other words, it doesnt have to matter how thin you are. there are still times when i look in the mirror and think "holy **** how have i never noticed that i am obese!" but the feeling passes and you feel normal again. since stopping my excessive throwing up (a few times a month i regress) the following thigns have happened:<br />
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-my face became more beautiful because i am no longer dehydrated, my face is no longer bloated, my eyes dont look as tired from staying up late to throw up, im not as red from strained blood vessels, (and i am actually happy!) My hair is stronger and shinier too!<br />
-my body changed in a great way! i have "gained" about 5 pounds. but when you are bulimic you usually have less water weight cause when you weigh yourself you usually have recently threw up. my stomach is no longer bloated and doesnt bloat after every meal. my stomach got much smaller because its not getting constantly stuffed up w food anymore. so i now have this hourglass figure that i never knew i had underneath my bloat. even though i am technically 5 pounds heavier, people comment saying i look like i lost weight. i have way more energy! i dont feel like im hiding a disgusting secret anymore. i met the love of my life because i learned how to finally be open about who i am instead of all secretive. TRUST ME! bulimia is not worth the hell you put yourself through. it DOES NOT HELP YOU BECOME THINNER!

=( I'm 32. A mother of five.<br />
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I am bulimic. I throw up, take laxatives, starve, binge and hate the way I look. <br />
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I have seen my doctor now (It took 6 years but I have done it now) and he has perscribed 'CITALOPRAM' for the depression that assists my bulimia. <br />
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The doctor had referred me to someone or other too... <br />
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*sigh* <br />
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Fingers crossed thst I shall beat this before my children see what i do to myself. <br />
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You are not alone out there...

ive been making myself throw up lately, because i hate my body. everyone around me is so skinny. and ihate how my clothes fits :/ i dont know any other way. so i feel like a fake joining this too. because i cant even make myself throw up properly. so idk what to do. how long till i actually lose wheight? i see no changes. ifeel dumb.

thenextchannel99 is absolutly right you have as much right to be here like any of us, i feel your dilemma tho as i am not skinny at all but mine is the after effects of bulimia, i dropped about 4 stone due to builimia and it wasgreat but now that im going threw wat i cal the down point of my cycle where i try and convince myself i dont care about what i look like, ive put on 5 stone totally irreplifying my so called achievement before, it jsut gets worse because im now on the spiriling upward sequence that will eventually lead to me throwing up everything exercising and going on week fasts to drop what weight ive put bakc on, youve admitted youve got a a problem and hopefully that will let you tackle it and get better let us know how you keep xx