I Have Bulimia
I am only 19, and I have been dealing with this monster for about 2 1/2 years. I started out as a big girl, by 14 I was probably size 20 in women. I never was attractive, and as time went on, I only got bigger in size. It wasn't until I got and lost my first boyfriend at 15 that I decided to lose the weight. My highest point was 240 at age 16. After school let out I started dieting, and I did that for about 6 or 7 months. I lost 80 pounds. It had become obsessive, and I wanted nothing more than to lose more and more weight. I ate oatmeal and salad. Those two meals kept me alive. My original goal was to be 140 by Christmas. I remember Christmas day, stripping down to my panties and bra and stepping on the scale. I had been going up-down-up for about two weeks, so I decided to settle for being less than 150. I stepped on the scale and it said 149.2. I was elated. I couldn't believe it. That day we went to my grandmother's, and I packed a dinner. I made a salad, and decided that would be all I'd eat. When I got home there were loads of leftovers. Everyone went to bed, and I couldn't take it anymore. I binged until I couldn't move, and threw it all up. The cycle began.
Soon enough I did it every day, and began to get really sick. I dropped out of school because everyone found out what I did to my body, and I couldn't take the laughing and the gagging noises thrown in my direction whenever I walked through the hallway. I didn't want to live anymore, and the only thing keeping me alive was my boyfriend, who just so happened to be the one I initially wanted to lose weight for. {he left me for a skinny girl when I was heftier}. My family life fell apart, my mother and step dad divorced. We moved from apartment to apartment living off of social security and no other income. We had no money for binge food, but I ate anything we did have, leaving pretty much nothing for anyone else. But I didn't care. All that mattered was satisfying this demon to make the thoughts go away, to make the hurt go away, so I could forget everything. It never works, though. Just as soon as the pain fades, it returns full force. We never had any money. There was never any food, and at 17 years old I was about to give up on my life.
My boyfriend eventually left me, just had all my friends, because I wasn't the same anymore, and he couldn't take watching me kill myself any longer. I tried to commit suicide and failed. Time went on, money problems worsened, and I sought any way to get money to feed not only myself, but my family as well. I was beginning to realize that I needed to care more about my family, and not hurt them anymore. There were a couple times I slept with an older man I knew so he would give me money. My mother knew I did it, and she watched me leave. It hurt even worse knowing my own mother didn't care what I did to myself, but she had given up on me, just like everyone else.
Recently my mother couldn't take it anymore. She left my younger brother and I behind and moved to Massachusetts. There is way too much pain back there, which a whole other traumatic story, but she's gone, and here I am, alone. I have a boyfriend, but it's hard on him to watch me do this to myself. I just want to have a normal life. I just got prescribed to Prozac, and I am hoping it helps at least a little..
My teeth are rotting, I have horrible ulcers in my stomach. I've wasted thousands of dollars on food that ends up in the toilet. I have lost every person important to me, and no one wants to be around me, and vice versa. I can't stand to look at my body because of all the excess skin due to the fast weight loss. My boyfriend isn't allowed to touch my stomach or my arms without me freaking out. I am constantly obsessing over food, which makes it hard to lead a normal life. I am a mere shadow of the person I was when this all began, and I wish so badly I could make it stop. I cry all the time, I hate the way I feel on the inside, and look on the out. I regret everything I have ever done, and I don't think I could ever forgive myself. This bulimia has ruined my life. It has taken my health, my family, my friends, and my lovers. It has left me alone, scared, and dying. But for some reason, I am scared for it to go away, because it's the only thing that never has...
