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This Is the Story of a Girl

I am only 19, and I have been dealing with this monster for about 2 1/2 years. I  started out as a big girl, by 14 I was probably size 20 in women. I never was attractive, and as time went on, I only got bigger in size. It wasn't until I got and lost my first boyfriend at 15 that I decided to lose the weight. My highest point was 240 at age 16. After school let out I started dieting, and I did that for about 6 or 7 months. I lost 80 pounds. It had become obsessive, and I wanted nothing more than to lose more and more weight. I ate oatmeal and salad. Those two meals kept me alive. My original goal was to be 140 by Christmas. I remember Christmas day, stripping down to my panties and bra and stepping on the scale. I had been going up-down-up for about two weeks, so I decided to settle for being less than 150. I stepped on the scale and it said 149.2. I was elated. I couldn't believe it. That day we went to my grandmother's, and I packed a dinner. I made a salad, and decided that would be all I'd eat. When I got home there were loads of leftovers. Everyone went to bed, and I couldn't take it anymore. I binged until I couldn't move, and threw it all up. The cycle began.

 

Soon enough I did it every day, and began to get really sick. I dropped out of school because everyone found out what I did to my body, and I couldn't take the laughing and the gagging noises thrown in my direction whenever I walked through the hallway. I didn't want to live anymore, and the only thing keeping me alive was my boyfriend, who just so happened to be the one I initially wanted to lose weight for. {he left me for a skinny girl when I was heftier}. My family life fell apart, my mother and step dad divorced. We moved from apartment to apartment living off of social security and no other income. We had no money for binge food, but I ate anything we did have, leaving pretty much nothing for anyone else. But I didn't care. All that mattered was satisfying this demon to make the thoughts go away, to make the hurt go away, so I could forget everything. It never works, though. Just as soon as the pain fades, it returns full force. We never had any money. There was never any food, and at 17 years old I was about to give up on my life.

 

My boyfriend eventually left me, just had all my friends, because I wasn't the same anymore, and he couldn't take watching me kill myself any longer. I tried to commit suicide and failed. Time went on, money problems worsened, and I sought any way to get money to feed not only myself, but my family as well. I was beginning to realize that I needed to care more about my family, and not hurt them anymore. There were a couple times I slept with an older man I knew so he would give me money. My mother knew I did it, and she watched me leave. It hurt even worse knowing my own mother didn't care what I did to myself, but she had given up on me, just like everyone else.

Recently my mother couldn't take it anymore. She left my younger brother and I behind and moved to Massachusetts. There is way too much pain back there, which a whole other traumatic story, but she's gone, and here I am, alone. I have a boyfriend, but it's hard on him to watch me do this to myself. I just want to have a normal life. I just got prescribed to Prozac, and I am hoping it helps at least a little..

My teeth are rotting, I have horrible ulcers in my stomach. I've wasted thousands of dollars on food that ends up in the toilet. I have lost every person important to me, and no one wants to be around me, and vice versa. I can't stand to look at my body because of all the excess skin due to the fast weight loss. My boyfriend isn't allowed to touch my stomach or my arms without me freaking out. I am constantly obsessing over food, which makes it hard to lead a normal life. I am a mere shadow of the person I was when this all began, and I wish so badly I could make it stop. I cry all the time, I hate the way I feel on the inside, and look on the out. I regret everything I have ever done, and I don't think I could ever forgive myself. This bulimia has ruined my life. It has taken my health, my family, my friends, and my lovers. It has left me alone, scared, and dying. But for some reason, I am scared for it to go away, because it's the only thing that never has...

giveupforever19 giveupforever19 18-21 5 Responses May 30, 2009

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wow thats a painful story. Wish i could help.

My godness! After just having read your story i am speechless. The way after everything that has happened to you, you still find the energy to try and support others! I admire you and i have the feeling you are such a strong person. You have lived and survived, and I wish you all the best. Now, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or someone's ear to talk to , i offer mine. *Hugs*

Your story really had an impact on me- I can relate to it so well and know how you are feeling. I hope you try to find some professional help, or try purchasing a few self help books ( I recently have and they have helped a lot ). If you need a friend to talk to (I know its hard without having friends, I am in the exact same position) please feel free to mail me or email me; katievilleneuve@hotmail.com. I will listen and provide you any support you need... because I need it just as much. I hope i hear from you. be strong and fight.

hi, thanks for sharing your story x so sorry to hear this. Ive been bulimic for about 4 years, nearly 19 now! have serious problems with my stomach and also cant stand anyone touching it! you should consult your doctor and try and get into a support group or see a therapist it will help you so much! xx ever need to talk mail me :) xxxx take caree xx

You need to find something else which has never gone away! Like maybe something in yourself which keeps you alive. You need to live for something, everyone does...perhaps you are a creative person, or a good listener, anything...find something good about yourself.

Sounds like you've been through quite a lot, so maybe the fact that you've had the strength to get through it all and not attempted suicide again means that one other thing which has never gone away is your strength. Which is probably a more positive thing to live for than bulimia :P

Seriously though, there are support groups you can go to. You should definitely try and find one - I don't know how it works in America, but you can ask a doctor to put you in touch with someone.