Want to See the Light

The first time I used a toothbrush to purge was junior year of high school.  I am now embarking on my senior year of college and am still binging and purging.

I call her MIA.  She is my best friend, my boyfriend, my "**** you" to the world that may/may not challenge me everyday. She is my proof for feeling horrible on the inside, and my shortcut to perfection.  I hate her but do not want to be without her.

I think about it all day.  At work or school, I think that if I give my everything right now, oh how much I deserve to indulge later! just as if MIA was a man who I wanted to have sex with, I crave her all day.  I see other people eat and think, 'that is going to stay in you and make you ugly.  I will eat that later and then it will never cling to me.  Food is bad, like a vice to abstain from. 

I have been in therapy for one year.  Where am I going? will I ever love life more than MIA? Will anyone ever love me despite her? Will my life ever not include her? Man, WTF

mollsaballs mollsaballs
1 Response Jul 21, 2009

Oh... I don't have the words to describe what reading this feels like! It's like you're describing me too, this looks like how I would picture my bulimia... It still feels weird calling it 'bulimia', can't seem to get used to it, no matter how many times I tell myself I have a problem...<br />
Good luck, I really really hope you can figure it out, and I am sure that people will still love you (and all the others here on this site) with or without mia!