Want to See the Light
The first time I used a toothbrush to purge was junior year of high school. I am now embarking on my senior year of college and am still binging and purging.
I call her MIA. She is my best friend, my boyfriend, my "**** you" to the world that may/may not challenge me everyday. She is my proof for feeling horrible on the inside, and my shortcut to perfection. I hate her but do not want to be without her.
I think about it all day. At work or school, I think that if I give my everything right now, oh how much I deserve to indulge later! just as if MIA was a man who I wanted to have sex with, I crave her all day. I see other people eat and think, 'that is going to stay in you and make you ugly. I will eat that later and then it will never cling to me. Food is bad, like a vice to abstain from.
I have been in therapy for one year. Where am I going? will I ever love life more than MIA? Will anyone ever love me despite her? Will my life ever not include her? Man, WTF