HUGE SighThis is one of those hard topics for me. I can more easily discuss my social anxiety, depression, self injury, panic attacks and feelings of guilt and failure than I can my run w/ bulimia. I have struggled w/ it since I was around 15. I watched a stupid Lifetime movie where these two girls became bulimic & anorexic together. They got so skinny! And if there is anything I want(ed) it is to be skinny. So, I tried it.
Here I am at 27 and I still struggle w/ it. It hasn't done a lot of good in the thinness department. I can see sometimes where it's helped but it's not drastic. More than anything, it FEELS GOOD. I love love the way it makes me feel to get that food outside my body. It doesn't matter if I'm stuffed or not. When the bf got a second job one of my thoughts was, "oh, he won't be home at night so I can throw up in privacy now." That thought both disgusts me & brings me contentment.
I'm still way overweight, at about 190lbs. It's nasty & gross & disgusting that I have all this fat. I walk, I do yoga, I try to eat right. But it's hard to stick to these things. Plus bulimia for me has become more than just about being thin. It's about the feeling. Sometimes it hurts & I shake when I get done. I feel like I've punished myself for eating & I like it. I like it too much. I don't even know if I want to stop. I know it's ravaging my body. I know that it makes me tired, is bad for my teeth, skin & hair. I don't know what else to say about it. It's just there in my life. Waiting & lurking. As a matter of fact, about an hour ago I got rid of that nasty panini I had for dinner. I still feel guilty for eating it, guilty for throwing it up and calm & refreshed bc I got it out. I know that's ****** up.
deleted 26-30 4 Responses 0 Oct 19, 2007