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HUGE Sigh

This is one of those hard topics for me. I can more easily discuss my social anxiety, depression, self injury, panic attacks and feelings of guilt and failure than I can my run w/ bulimia. I have struggled w/ it since I was around 15. I watched a stupid Lifetime movie where these two girls became bulimic & anorexic together. They got so skinny! And if there is anything I want(ed) it is to be skinny.  So, I tried it.

Here I am at 27 and I still struggle w/ it. It hasn't done a lot of good in the thinness department.  I can see sometimes where it's helped but it's not drastic. More than anything, it FEELS GOOD. I love love the way it makes me feel to get that food outside my body. It doesn't matter if I'm stuffed or not. When the bf got a second job one of my thoughts was, "oh, he won't be home at night so I can throw up in privacy now."  That thought both disgusts me & brings me contentment.

I'm still way overweight, at about 190lbs. It's nasty & gross & disgusting that I have all this fat. I walk, I do yoga, I try to eat right. But it's hard to stick to these things. Plus bulimia for me has become more than just about being thin. It's about the feeling. Sometimes it hurts & I shake when I get done. I feel like I've punished myself for eating & I like it. I like it too much. I don't even know if I want to stop. I know it's ravaging my body. I know that it makes me tired, is bad for my teeth, skin & hair. I don't know what else to say about it. It's just there in my life. Waiting & lurking. As a matter of fact, about an hour ago I got rid of that nasty panini I had for dinner. I still feel guilty for eating it, guilty for throwing it up and calm & refreshed bc I got it out. I know that's ****** up.
deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Oct 19, 2007

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i used to feel exactly the same - relieved after vomiting- but now , after i ve done cognitive behavioural therapy i feeeeeeel million times better. I am in charge of what , when and how much i eat, and i dont feel quality any more after eating sweets or crisps.<br />
I have time for everything other than exercise and 'diet'. I love spending time with my bf and family even though i used to hate when they were around for too long as I couldnt binge and vomit whenever i 'wanted'.<br />
<br />
Please have a look at this book <br />
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Binge-Eating-Christopher-Fairburn/dp/0898621798 <br />
i really hope it;ll help...you just MUST put everything into your recovery!<br />
<br />
Recovery is possible and i promise you .... not being bulimic or a binger is an amazing feeling. I wish you could feel it for a split second ... you would never vomit again t<br />
ake care

I totally know what you mean when you say that you LOVE how it feels to get the food out of your body!! It just makes everything feel right again!! And when you said how you were happy that you bf got a second job. My sisters are leaving for college soon and its just gonna be me agian. I've never been mpre excited/sad before. I mean I will miss them but it will give me the privacy i need. Try and keep it as healthy as possible!! ; )

Really, your story was very insightful. I am semi-bulimic (if there is such a thing) and it was interesting how you describing what you feel helps me to understand what I'm feeling. Thank you for sharing.<br />
:)

It took alot of courage to share that. Thank you for being honest about it. I have been "over" my anorexia/bulemia for over 10 years. I am over weight now. I am dieting under drs. supervision. Who would have thought it. Eatting is not a problem noe. <br />
Even after all these years I still want to throw up. When I am under stress or ate too much. I don't allolw myself to anymore, but the desire for the comfort is still there. Does that make sence? <br />
Thanks again for sharing this part of your life. I have often thought I was the only one who felt that way.