Seven weeks ago i would never have seen myself here and a year earlier i wouldnt have seen myself where i was seven weeks ago.
I found a diary entry from myself today from 2006 when i was fifteen and started purging. Slowly and gradually it got worse. Seven weeks ago my days were filled with binges followed by an hour in the bathroom throwing it all up and then another hour of me just crying wondering why God was challenging me like this. I have never been more unhappy in my life, i wanted to die, i was vomiting up blood and hoping that it would kill me but i am so thankful that it didnt because now i realise how much better life can be. Today i also found a suicide note as well and while i knew i wasnt going to kill myself, if builimia did kill me i just wanted my family to know why.
it's a crazy world and people never truly understand it. as soon as i started to get better, i started to miss it. it plays on your mind and consumes every day, every minute. i want everyone to know that while i m not better yet, i am getting better and its worth it. for two months bulimia had totally taken control. i would sit on the side of the road with a plastic bag after dinner making sure everything had been thrown up. my face was puffy, my eyes were always bloodshot and i ruined every special occasion because i would throw up my meals. its not a way of living and no one deserves to live like that.
that was 7 weeks ago. now i am really starting to feel that pain because at the time i was very numb to it all and it was all a blur. its something i, or anyone i knew, never expected from me and still it is hard to believe it. some people say that admitting you have a problem is the first step but that wasnt true for me. it was admitting that i needed help and reaching out and taking advice from others. its very rare for someone to battle and win this alone because bulimia can trick you and decieve you without you knowing it.
while i m not recovered totally i know that when i am i will be able to do anything because overcoming an eating disorder is so hard. when i m better i know that i will be able to achieve whatever i want to in life and i will have a strength that so many people dont have or wont understand.
if anyone needs to talk i am here. i have one person in particular be absolutely amazing in my road to recovery and i wish to do the same. i want everyone to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its getting brighter everyday for me!!!