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The Journey

 Seven weeks ago i would never have seen myself here and a year earlier i wouldnt have seen myself where i was seven weeks ago. 

 

I found a diary entry from myself today from 2006 when i was fifteen and started purging. Slowly and gradually it got worse. Seven weeks ago my days were filled with binges followed by an hour in the bathroom throwing it all up and then another hour of me just crying wondering why God was challenging me like this. I have never been more unhappy in my life, i wanted to die, i was vomiting up blood and hoping that it would kill me but i am so thankful that it didnt because now i realise how much better life can be. Today i also found a suicide note as well and while i knew i wasnt going to kill myself, if builimia did kill me i just wanted my family to know why. 

 

it's a crazy world and people never truly understand it. as soon as i started to get better, i started to miss it. it plays on your mind and consumes every day, every minute. i want everyone to know that while i m not better yet, i am getting better and its worth it. for two months bulimia had totally taken control. i would sit on the side of the road with a plastic bag after dinner making sure everything had been thrown up. my face was puffy, my eyes were always bloodshot and i ruined every special occasion because i would throw up my meals. its not a way of living and no one deserves to live like that. 

 

that was 7 weeks ago. now i am really starting to feel that pain because at the time i was very numb to it all and it was all a blur. its something i, or anyone i knew, never expected from me and still it is hard to believe it. some people say that admitting you have a problem is the first step but that wasnt true for me. it was admitting that i needed help and reaching out and taking advice from others. its very rare for someone to battle and win this alone because bulimia can trick you and decieve you without you knowing it. 

 

while i m not recovered totally i know that when i am i will be able to do anything because overcoming an eating disorder is so hard. when i m better i know that i will be able to achieve whatever i want to in life and i will have a strength that so many people dont have or wont understand. 

 

if anyone needs to talk i am here. i have one person in particular be absolutely amazing in my road to recovery and i wish to do the same. i want everyone to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its getting brighter everyday for me!!!

 

stopthis stopthis 18-21, F 8 Responses Nov 17, 2009

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Thank you for sharing your story! gives me strenght not to give up and try to recover :)

How do i stop bulimia withoutt putting on!!!!:((((

you have been my inspiration to try to stay on my 'stopthis' path xxx

I've seen this comment twice. Why did God challenge me or cause this to happen to me. Let me tell you God does not challenge anyone in sickness or diseases. If anything of this sort is happening. Blame the very ones. God is a God of love. It is his perfect will for all to be healed Sincethis area has become a part of bondage it will take a higher power to help you have stuided the Holy Bible for years and what I have seen is It truly is God's will to heal. Jesus went to Calvery and died for you sins, sickness, diseases, pain, and bulimia. I believe that bulimia start in the soulical (mind) thoughts come, you have a poor self imagine of yourself. When the word of God says your fearfully and wonderfully made. The enemy comes to steal kill and destroys. He will try to plant wrong thoughts in your mind. And when you begin to believe those thoughts then you will act upon them. Jesus made away of escape, if you would decide to live for Him. John 3:3 tells you that you must be born again. If you do this you must do this in a sincere heart. In book of Hebrews 10:9-10 will tell you how you can become born again. God is love. He will become truly live to you to hear your prayers and your cries of this bondage your in. If you have any question please contact me. Have a wonderful day.

I feel like I've been on the road to recovery for some time now. I've been bulimic for two years now, and it is the hardest addiction to shake. I'm so terrified that one night I'm just going to have heart failure. I can feel how weak it has made my body, and I hate the way I look and feel after a binge/perge cycle. I have gotten to the point where I can go four to five days straight without a relapse, but the disease always catches up with me somehow. I think I'm going in the right direction, I just have to make sure that relapsing is only the exception not the rule. I'm scared.<br />
Amy

I feel like I've been on the road to recovery for some time now. I've been bulimic for two years now, and it is the hardest addiction to shake. I'm so terrified that one night I'm just going to have heart failure. I can feel how weak it has made my body, and I hate the way I look and feel after a binge/perge cycle. I have gotten to the point where I can go four to five days straight without a relapse, but the disease always catches up with me somehow. I think I'm going in the right direction, I just have to make sure that relapsing is only the exception not the rule. I'm scared.<br />
Amy

i am bit like u , i am in recovery road also , and i remember crying after purging and wondering why God is doing this to me ? i remember crying while i was praying that God help me to recover .<br />
part of me was wondering why this is happening to me ? but now i know that i have learnt alot from bulimia !<br />
i know it is strange but that is the truth ,<br />
i learnt that it is not a crime to have ED , people with ED are very sensitive who need people to understand them , to care about them , also i knew that the concept "Best of Both Worlds " is lie , may be the biggest lie in my life .<br />
you should know what u want and do what it takes to reach it .<br />
i have learnt from the recovery that u can recover from it no matter who old are u , how long u have been doing this , they are just numbers !<br />
also in my social life i have been more understanding , can understand why smokers don't give up easily (before bulimia i never understood that !)<br />
so that was the only way for me to get to where I am today then I would do it all again !<br />
hugs