My mindset began to change when I was in gr. 7. Between my mom rapidly loosing weight and being a figure skater..it was on my mind constantly. I remember thinking I was fat on my gr. 8 grad day and when I look back at pictures I am horrified that I thought that.
It wasn't until gr. 10 that mindset turned into action. I was in health class and we watched a video on eating disorders and this is when I thought the idea of purging was brilliant. I swore I would only do it when I ate something 'bad'. It started out very occassional but before I knew it, I was binging and purging 3 times a day. By gr. 11, I was in over my head and it began to control my life. Highschool was very stressful for me..alot of struggles within my family and friends at school and it became something that I didn't know how to deal with. Food was my comfort and I looked forward to purging because of the calming sensation that came afterwards. It was as if everything that was built up was released and I could finally be at ease..it exhausted me and allowed me to sleep at night. I became completely reliant on it.
For about 3 years, I was doing it 3-4 times a day and nobody knew. About 2 years ago however I reached out for help and went through various therapists and did well for about 6 months. I relapsed with the stress of university really quickly.
I was starting to feel so hopeful but I am slowly loosing hope. When I am not purging, my mind goes crazy and it consumes every thought. It's like I don't know how to cope without it and sometimes I wonder if its worth even trying to stop. Maybe this is just my life. Everyone has their issues..this is just mine. What makes it worse is that everyone thinks I'm doing great. I've put on some weight which is so annoying and therefore people think im all better. But I'm not and I don't want to tell them because it is so draining having people know because they are so awkward about it.