I Need To Beat This

I've been bulimic for over a year and it's tearing me apart. I spend hours a day binging and purging, hundreds of dollars a month on bagels, donuts, fast food, and foods to help me get better - protein bars, gum, diet coke, and low calorie alternatives that I won't feel guilty eating.  thought I could handle recovery on my own, but I couldn't. So I started seeing a nutritionist, a psychologist, and have a food-log. It's been 3 months and I'm back to purging every other day. I've gained 10 pounds in the last month on my road to "recovery".

I always tell myself that I'll be better tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. As for today, I just don't have the willpower. It's so much easier to cheat this weight game than play it. Now I can't stand feeling fat on my legs, hips, and arms. I'm horrified that I might get my period again soon. This disease is killing me, and I'm the culprit.

I'm an emotional eater; when I'm stressed, happy, depressed, upset, angry, I eat to feel that artificial euphoria. The emotional roller coaster I've ridden this past year - my dad grounding me all summer, disowning me in the fall when I left for college; my mom pushing me to reopen relations with my dad, the stress of school, the honors college, feeling inadequate compared to everyone else at college - it's all compounded in this perpetual desire to binge and purge my feelings. But the action only makes them worse. 

It's 2am, Tuesday morning. I have a 7 page paper to write by 1pm Wednesday. I'm terrified of failing, so I eat and eat and eat. And I've been eating for 2 hours. I've set up a self-fulfilling prophesy for myself - I think I'm going to fail, so I waste time binging and purging, and consequently, fail. But I can't grasp that idea - I know it's true, but I can't seem to turn thought into action, and that action is key to stopping this cycle.

Sometimes I just want to give it all up, but I think of how much I love my friends and my life and little moments in the day that make me want to beat this. So I need to beat this. 

sweetskinnytomato sweetskinnytomato
18-21, F
8 Responses Feb 9, 2010

I relate to every word you wrote. I get sick thinking about all the money waste on food , all the time wasted in the bathroom or curled up in my bed trembling after a vicious b/p session. I have been suffering for 10 years and just want to be done with it! I am ready to get better which i think is important. You sound ready too! We can both beat this awful disease. I am here if you ever want to talk. Be strong!

In response to your comment to mine, I do agree with you that I seek food to store the emotions that I'm seeking for. For example, if I'm sad and feeling lonely because of an argument with my boyfriend, I'll sometimes binge eat and don't care. My boyfriend and I are experimenting this "vegetarian diet" that was his idea, so when I get upset with him, I say forget it & binge eat meat, and try to purge it. It's disgusting.. and I've been fighting it as well. I think you should stay strong and continue to write it in your diary everyday if you purge or not. This is just a suggestion, but I think recording the number of times you purge weekly will help you improve...because you will want to do it less and less as each week goes by. Good luck hun, be strong!!

How did it start?

I can tell you... as a RECOVERED bulimic (15 yrs ago) I am still an emotional eater at times but other things, like kids and work, will come along and take priority in life. You are doing the right thing, right NOW and thats getting the help you need. Don't sweat the small stuff.. You have to start seeing the small victories (and celebrating them with chocolate cake!) before you can win the battle! Lol. Take lots of pictures so you can see the difference and make sure you LISTEN to your close friends and those that love you.... Right now I think I am HUGE Lol but yet I am told I look amazing at 135lbs from my close friends.. It's all in a comfort level and trust level. Getting professional help isn't comfortable but it takes great trust and strength! Good for you!

I was you two years ago. Just keep on trying to walk the straight and narrow. It's great that you sought out/or got people to help you (psych. nutritionist. etc) through this. These are all good steps. Know that recovery is always. You might be tempted for awhile, so remember that progress is progress.

just be patient han, im always here with you, lets get through this together. ym me at kim_junsuyuki@yahoo.com. hope we could be friends. (^_^)

Its like you've been spying into my life. Reading my mind and writing every single detail word for word on the page. This is me. Everything you've said so far, from trying to get help on my own to emotional eating, this is me. The stress of having a best friend who is depressed and wallowing in self-pity, in addition to school work (I'm in two honors classes and trying to maintain my 4.0 GPA) and dealing with my own issues(depression, AvPD, bulimia) is enough to send me on a binging spree. Then the guilt sends me flying into the bathroom to purge, sinking me further into depression.

hey it is ok <br />
as bulimic in recovery i tell u , what u r going through is normal in recovery ,<br />
let me say it wouldn't be normal if u didn't go through this !<br />
emotional eating is common feature between us bulimics , we express our feelings with food , <br />
so don't feel strange but let me say u need other ways to express ur feelings other than food , u can try speaking about what u feel , write them down , ..<br />
and depression is normal in recovery , sleepless nights , i remember weeks with out sleeping at all ,<br />
also feeling worthless , weak , scared , unsafe ,fat , ugly <br />
also those awful thoughts of getting back to bulimia , it used to kill me , tearing me apart ,<br />
honey u have to know that recovery worth it , u will get there at the end , it just needs time , be patient.<br />
u know what helped me alot ?<br />
charity , it is really helpful , it makes u feel happy that u made others happy , u feel that u r not worthless , <br />
if u wanna talk i am here for u <br />
xx