One Year In Numbness

I started bulimia about a year ago and it's been a daily occurrence since then.  I used to be an exercise addict, working off calories by running or working out obsessively for hours at a time.  When I discovered bulimia, it was like a light bulb went off.  I couldn't believe I spent all that time working out when it could be so much easier to just throw up.  The problem is that it's taken alot of money and pride from my life.  Not only this, but I find that I do not have close relationships because my only relationship is with food.  I hate this fact.  I would give anything to have a strong relationship with someone, but cannot give up the bulimia because I am afraid to gain weight.  I have been overweight in the past and now that I'm at a weight I like, I can't see myself giving it up.  I'm seeing a therapist for this issue, but don't think it's helping.  I'd love to have a day of not binging and purging, but am not strong enough.  I need the support of a community like this and maybe things will change.

harleyquin harleyquin
26-30, F
5 Responses Feb 9, 2010

I know how you feel... Because I recently suffered the same, some times three times a day... I ended up with depression and started with drugs (with a therapist), I couldn´t see the end of it... My world turned black, and nothing was meaningfull... I don´t know how old are you, but I´m 24 now and I can tell you it does stop.<br />
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I know you believe that been thin makes you happy, cause thats what I thought... but you know as well as I do, that, what would really make you happy is been able to pass a day without thinking of food, to not count the hours between each meal, to not count calories, to go out with friends and have a slice of pizza after going clubing and not feel guilty.... and focus your energy in something that really want to do... LOVE is the answer, the food you eat is filling something that your missing. You need to change your believes now! <br />
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NOOO:<br />
eating=happiness<br />
thin=beautiful<br />
beautiful=loved<br />
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your knew believes...<br />
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Your are beautiful inside and outside<br />
Throwing up means lonliness<br />
Eating and trowing up means self centerd and not aware of what goes around you, there for your missing out, all the wounderfull things that there are.<br />
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You have to remember the world keeps turning there for nothing is static, everything will change : ) so thats good news. Try everything! Go on a trip, tell the people around you, wake up every morning say how greatfull you are to be alive and how luky you are to be able to do WHAT EVER YOU WANT in this life...<br />
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This society has made us believe that been thin while been able to eat dountus is happines, but we know that thats not true, read, listen to music, go for walks, get into arguments, fail in things, get it wrong, we are not perfect! and we dont have to be! you can **** up! The people that love will love you anyway, that perfection that you are searching is not real! Wake up! <br />
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The best of luck and love from someone that can tell you that if you fight, you will be free...<br />
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FREEDOM = HAPPINESS

Please email me. We are so much alike i cannot even explain. I am not in college though...but i know where you're coming from.<br />
ally.101108@yahoo.com

DiamontAdmirer, I think the mindset of someone with bulimia is different than someone who hasn't experienced the illness or known someone that has. It's a debilitating, addictive habit that can't be rationalized. I know it's hurting me. I know it's bad to vomit. I know I'm pale, sickly, and thin. But I know nothing else.<br />
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harleyquin, I tried stopping a month ago and I gained 10 lbs. I'll be honest; I slipped right back into binging and purging and that's where I am today. But I didn't notice the 10lbs until I stepped onto a scale. And nobody else noticed the 10lbs either. None of my friends commented, none of my family members said a word - and I think, with me, my biggest fear with gaining weight was that my close friends would reject me because I was ugly and fat. That hasn't happened. And as I've steadily gained weight, I'm gaining confidence in myself and my friends' commitment to my wellbeing, too. <br />
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I'm taking baby steps: only eating foods I won't feel guilty about, planning meals days ahead, giving myself snacking room, and locking away money/credit cards to buy binge food. It's helped so far. If you want to talk, I'm here too

Hay Harleyquin, <br />
reading you story really hurts me! Eat girl, eat healthy! Why are you so afraid of gaining weight again if you can eat much but healthy without turning big! If you are afraid of being ugly, then you are wrong! Because of bulimia you'll make yourself ugly, because in food you have vitamins and all kind of stuffs wath your body NEED. Without them your body will destroy itself! You make yourself sick! So please dear, eat! And be Healthy and beautiful. Looking at your picture I see a pale women. You could be so much more beautiful then you allready are, so please help yourself. I am ready to help you too as a dear friend.

Yes, bulimia certainly does hinder your ability to have close relationships. Being with people takes away from the time spent with food, and if given the choice, most bulimics (or atleast speaking for myself) woud choose food. The binging and purging might damage your body, your self-respect, etc., but the momentary feeling of happiness and release is just enough to sustain you and keep you holding on, atleast for the next "meal" (i.e. binge)