Fighting My Bulimia Urges.

I'm not overweight. I'm not underweight. I'm average. I've always had an obsession with trying to be skinny though. It's a secret that no body knows. I try to cover up my insecurities by convincing myself that my body is acceptable and skinny. I realize that some girls want my body, but then I don't compare to girls who are fatter than me. I'm 5'4" and weigh 125. You may say...That's the perfect and average weight. But I have an obsession with being skinnier. I use to just binge eat every dinner meal that I can. I have an addiction to eating food, like when I see food I just want to eat it. And I get really sad when there's no good food around. The more unhealthy the food is, the happier I am. The bigger my anticipation to eat it. It's crazy that I anticipate to eating food this much. And after I do eat it, I feel so gross and sick, I drink a lot of water to neutralize all the carbs & makes it easier to throw up. I hate throwing up, and when I'm in front of the toilet I just think to myself... "I have to stop living like this..." I've only started to think like that lately though. Before, I'd throw up so much that it became a habit, that I just accepted it as a part of my diet. It's really f*cked up I have to say, that us girls who have these eating disorders don't even realize that they are mentally sick anymore. It gets to a point where it becomes a scheduled routine. And when it does get to that point, that's when a person needs help. 

I pulled myself out of this hole I dug. The first time I took initiative is when I tried to sing, and I realized my vocal chords were totally messed up. I couldn't reach the high tone that I could before, my voice would just break in the middle of it. It's horrible. That's when I first started googling the effects of bulimia on your voice. It has a huge effect due to the stomach acid that constantly runs through your vocal chords. I am not a singer, nor do I sing very well. But I do want to enjoy singing when I have the chance to... and now I'm too embarrassed to reveal my voice by singing, even just a little bit.

I started working out recently, because my boyfriend picked up a vegetarian diet. I thought it would be a good time for me to try it as well now that I have a partner in support of healthy eating. I lost 3 lbs the healthy way. I recorded the things I ate too, and I felt so much better. It's a different feeling when you lose weight the healthy way versus throwing up. Even though your stomach feels empty and skinnier, your body still feels all icky inside. I still feel like I swallowed all the oil, and the fat, and I just threw up the carbs. It's a nasty feeling.. and when I worked out, my body just feels healthier, slimmer, and lighter. It's a good feeling.. and I am fighting to stay that way.

I still get the urges to yack sometimes, especially after a big meal. But I have to look at it this way... "Hey.. I ate that, so deal with the consequence" It's kind of like cheating & being irresponsible if you eat all you want, and throw everything up. You satisfy your hunger, but you're not man enough to deal with the consequence and work it off? After I started to think of it that way, I began to think of myself as weak-minded. I was only able to take & consume, but brush off the consequences just like that by throwing it back up? It's really unfair...if you think about it. 

I really have my boyfriend to thank. I already stopped throwing up before I met him, but I CONSTANTLY get the urges to. I don't let him know that I get these urges... I just barely let him know that I previously had this problem. But my boyfriend really promotes healthy eating.. and being with him, I started to adopt his healthy eating behavior. For example, he tries to eat less for dinner time. He tries to balance his daily diet with fruits, veggies, and other vitamins. He eats very healthy, and tries to work out as often as he can. Seeing that pushes kinda gives me the motivation and a bit more of endurance than I had before. 

I just want to let you all know that.... it's okay to have this problem. I'm sure that all girls (especially those who are so affected by the media) are somewhat self-conscious about their bodies. Just know that you are hurting your body more & more by doing so. Everyone has the strength and will power to stop themselves from doing these nasty habits. The first step is to admit to yourself and to someone you love. It really helps when you talk to someone about your problem. Because then you have someone supporting you & checking up on how you're doing. Opposed to you dealing it by yourself...and you have less motivation to recover because no one else is looking forward to your recovery other than yourself. We're all here to help, and I think this website is a very wonderful thing & I admire that people can come out and confess their troubles.

kissmy4cheeks kissmy4cheeks
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 14, 2010

Thats my goal weight. Im 5'4 and weigh 150, but i have a muscular build. So im supposd to weigh 130. Please email me. We are so much alike i cannot even explain. i know where you're coming from.<br />

I have really tried to tell myself lots of things (like you) to stop, but there are times when I feel I am not strong enough to handle my problem. I told my close friends and boyfriend about my problem but it doesn't help. Now I lie to my bf if/when I make myself sick because I don't want to disappoint him. It feels like one huge debacle. I am trying now to get some professional help. I even went to my GP the other day and mentioned about my ed but all he did, he just put a bloody note on my card 'bulimia'. To be honest, I felt so upset. I wanted to cry. I shared something very personal with him but he ignored me. He must have thought I was an idiot. I am quite desperate do fight my disorder. I really cannot live my life like that anylonger :(

I'm also 5'4 and was 125 before I started this... a lot of the food I binge on is directly related to the emotions I feel during the day -- like, if I'm stressed or anxious, I'll eat to hide those feelings. Have you explored those ideas? Could there be something behind the urges? I'm really happy that you're doing well :) Keep it up! You definitely know you don't want to backtrack - it's not worth it.