Thought I Had Recovered...

I am 19 and have been a recovered anorexic and bulimic for 2 years. Well at least i thought so. It all started when I was a sophmore in Highschool. I hated my appearance. I hated my face, I hated that i weighed more than my mom, i hated that no guy showed any interest in me. Food was my comfort. In fact, i neve even thought of calories in any negative light. I never knew how many calories i was eating. Until i started to realize that if i threw up my food i would feel so much better. I stopped eating at school because it was too hard to throw up. I would only eat at home and then go upstairs turn on the fan and throw up. I was so heartbroken but at the same time I would feel strong again. I would feel better, and that is what scares me. After eating so much I could go throw up and feel so so much better. The only problem was that I wasn't losing any weight. I knew my family thought I was heavy. I was never good enough for them so i wanted to show them how great I could be if I were skinny. I began running and eating tiny meals. I would run everyday and if I didn't i would be so mas at myself. I would eat salads and drool over the food my brother would make himself. I remember it so vividly yet it all seems to be such a blur. I was instatnly consumed once the pounds started falling off. I was obsessed. Everyone was commenting about how good i looked, I wanted more. I got down to 110 pounds and my height which is 5ft7in. Everyone was not happy. They looked at me funny. Told me i had a problem and that I was wrong. It hurt me so much. The only thing that comforted me was my drive to lose weight. Meanwhile, I lost my friends, family, and myself. I was a calorie counting dwindling soul. One day i decided i wanted help. I went to therapy, which i loved. I started swimming in HS which helped me eat more because i was excercising so much. I felt alive agian.

It took a long time for the weight to come back. It cam back so fast. I would try to stop it. I would start diets but it was so hard to count calories and not slip into that obsession. But now here I am at that point where I am almost as heavy as when i started. Everyone tells me im not fat, but at 5ft7in and 151 pounds im no gorgeous girl. I hate the way my body looks. I hate the way i feel in my own skin. I have recently started throwing up when i overeat and feel bad. I know its stupid considering how well i have done and how far i have come. But sometimes i feel this tug, a tug to show everyone that i can hit rock bottom again. It scares me. I don't want to be miserable again but i can't rationalize with myself. I'm scared I will become bulimic and anorexic again. I do not know what to do to fix myself. Do you think I have a problem or is my throwing up randomly nothing to worry about.

lillaney lillaney
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 24, 2010

hey , congratulations on recovery , i know u have relapsed but the important thing is that u stayed 2 years without bulimia and anorixia .<br />
look i want to tell u as bulimic in recovery that , the day we let bulimia enter our lives that day we agreed that bulimia will be inside us forever , we can recover from her , control her , get rid of her evil ideas , but she will always be there hiding even if we can't feel that , i am sorry if it is so harsh but that is the truth , <br />
bulimia will be there hiding waiting for the moment to take the control again , sometimes she let u believe that she is gone , <br />
look big step in recovery is that u stay strong even in hard times , disasters , emotional breakup, tragic events ,.....<br />
because bulimia will appear in such things and she might take control again , so u have to be ready .<br />
one more thing relapse is normal in recovery from bulimia , once i read that most people recovered from bulimia still throwup once twice a year , the other part throw up one in 3 years , so what i want to tell u is that relapse is normal , plz don't beat urself up . <br />
u should learn form ur relapses so that it won't happen again .<br />
if u wanna talk i am here for u <br />
God Bless You