How To Get Better

I am 19 years old, and have had bulimia now since I was 15 years old. I really don't remember the first time I threw up, but scarily, I don't remember it being that big a deal to me. It definitely seemed like the ultimate option; I had already been restricting my food which my Mother had I could eat everything on my plate, have seconds, and still not put on a pound. 

I suffered from depression throughout my teens, to the point where I tried to kill myself. One evening, everything just got too much and I really couldn't see the good things in my life. Of course now I am old enough to see that I need to fight through this, for my family if nothing else, but then I just wanted to rid my family and friends of their burden. After a stint in hospital, I began behavioral therapy at a psychiatric ward and was put on a course of anti depressants. Throughout this time I was severely bulimic, and felt like no one was helping this issue in particular (of course I still found it very difficult to talk about) and just wanted to address the depression side of things-which I believed, and still do, that it was completely related to how I was feeling about my bulimia. I think the tendancy was just to put people on the 'happy pills' to make them feel better, and not address every issue. Maybe I was too young to accept that these people were trying to help. Whichever way you look at it, it's now 3 years on and I'm still in the same situation..perhaps worse, and lonlier than ever.

It's horrible lugging this huge, ugly secret around with you all day. You want to tell people, but it's such a shameful thing to go through. I find that I also have a persona with my friends. I don't like to appear like the needy, depressive one, so I just pretend everything is fine and that I'm a happy outgoing person. The worst thing is that I know they would be brilliant and really supportive; it's just my personal pride holding me back.

Anyway, this February I finally got sick of it and decided to do something. I told my sister, who has been amazing. I then went to the university counsellor at the University I'm studying at. She was great, but they have a 6 week waiting list. I then went to my GP who told me there was really no help on the NHS and that I could 'just go private'- like it's that easy, which of course costs money, meaning I would have to admit the problem to my parents..So, biting the bullet, I told my Mum. I now really wish I hadn't. I love my Mum to pieces, and in other aspects, she's a great Mum, but not at this. In reality, she's really done nothing. I think she's so worried that I'm embarrassed to talk about it, and is probably embarrassed herself, that she just calls up asking me 'how I am?' Of course I lie to her on the days that I'm feeling bad, or have binged...I don't want to upset her. She hasn't really offered me any other alternative support other than to go back to the doctor, which is so humiliating. It took enough courage to do it the first time. So, I just feel a little let down by the support groups around me. I feel like I've worked up a hell of a lot of courage to reach out, and there really isn't anyone there to help me through this. I know I can't do it on my own-it's been nearly 5 years now and I'm sick of being sick. Yes, my sister has been fantastic, but she's hundreds of miles away and of course has her own life to deal with.

Does anybody know of any organizations to  contact, or that offer counselling in some way? Please bare in mind I'm in Scotland. I am so ready to accept help, I just wish there were people out there that were ready to help me! It's affecting every part of my life, and my confidence. I was once a healthy, slim, optimistic teenager. That's now been replaced by a pessimistic, depressive, fat girl with a terrible secret...

If anyone would like to message me, I would love to hear experiences, and maybe we can support each other through this. I would love to listen to other stories, so we can feel like we're not so alone! Sometimes, when you're there with your head over the toilet seat, you feel like the lonliest person in the world! But we need to help each other to become the happy, normal people we're destined to be.

pinkfloyd140690 pinkfloyd140690
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 25, 2010

you are a lot braver then I am ,, i literally can't tell my best friends. its not that they wouldn't understand, but they just never have seen this lonely, depressed, and needy side of me. I am the one with the sharp tongue and good advice. I have never had to rely on help. which sucks. i am way to embarassed to tell someone. don't want to be judged at all. <br />
but power to you for taking the courage to deal with it.

hi hun <br />
<br />
firstly let me say how brave i thik you are to tell anybody about your problem well done and secondly your doctor is a disgrace, however the same hapened to me i went to the doctors and one doctor just told me to eat smaller meals so i wouldnt feel sick after i eat which was realy helpfull i don t think,<br />
<br />
i fainted on the way home from work and was taken to hospital,one of the nurses asked if i was eating properly as i have very red and sore looking knuckles i told her everything and i was given a letter to give to my gp to say i was to be referd to an E D clinic. so its a step in the right direction.<br />
<br />
maybe try to go to anoter doctor tel them you need help, and you cant afford to go private. <br />
<br />
im always hear if you need to chat xxxxx