I Hate Myself Everytime I Do It

I joined this group because I feel like it's my only option at this point. I've had issues with weight since highschool, back in grade 9. My oldest sister was always so beautiful in my eyes. She was tall, skinny and the boys just loved her. I looked up to her when i was younger. There's a 13 year age different between us. I found out she was bulimic when I was 10 years old. It hurt like hell to know that this person I had admired my whole life, was doing something so drastic. She recovered once she fell in love and got married. It's been 10 years since I found out about her illness. I am now 20 years old and find myself in the same predicament. I tried being bulimic in high school but living with parents who already knew all the signs was not helpful. I gave up and just fell into depression and self loathing. I was a cutter all throughout my time in highschool. Finally, I went off to university and got to live on my own. I fell back into bulimia this past summer, when my parents suggested I join weight watchers. I have never been obese, just simply a few pounds overweight. I lost 30 pounds this summer and my parents think it had everything to do with weight watchers... when really it was just me, throwing up whatever I consumed. I guess they let their guard down and stopped looking for signs. They have no idea that I'm living in this tormented mind. That everyday is a fight with myself over whether or not I am going to purge.

I met a guy this year. He's wonderful and he knows my secret. I know that he could take care of me. I know he genuinely wants the best for me. I even know that he thinks I'm beautiful and that if I ever let him in, he would stay by my side. I want to let him in. I want to have what my sister had. Her husband helped her conquer this illness. I want that for myself but at the same time, I know that if I let my guard down, I will lose the only thing I can control at this point. As horrible as this sounds, I want to be thin. I want to look in the mirror one day and love what I see. I know people say that I'll never be satisfied with my weight because it's all psychological. But I feel like I have a goal and once I reach it, I'll just stop.

At this point, I just want someone to talk to. Someone who is going through what I'm going through. I feel like the people who do know (which is like 3 altogether) talk down to me. They feel nothing but sympathy for me and I hate it. I hate being questioned on what I ate that day, or whether or not I went to throw it all up. I know they mean well but right now, all i want is to talk to someone who truly understands.

I need comfort.

silkina777 silkina777
22-25, F
4 Responses Feb 26, 2010

Im the same freaking way. I wiish i had someone to talk to where i could tell them ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!

I myself am not dealing with any of these issues but my fiancee currently is so maybe the two of you could talk since you but struggle with smilier issues

Hey.<br />
I have been bulimic for about 2 years now. and I did lose weight from it. But i had no more energy. I became more dull. Was not interested in anything anymore. Im here to talk because I also need someone to talk to who understand exactly where I am coming from. Im only 19 and this stupid moronic disease has taken over & ruined my life too :(.