An Addiction To Food

I've been addicted to food for 23 years. I've been bulimic for almost 10. At the impressionable age of 14 (15, 16, 17...), the idea of being able to eat anything and not gain weight-- or better yet, lose weight!-- is highly appealing. But it's a slippery slope. I'm not sure when, but that idea of being able to eat anything became the ability to eat *everything*. 

I was chubby all my life; I was 5'6" and almost 200lbs going into high school. At which point I began exercising and exercising my little heart out, only to lose about 10lbs in what seemed like a time period of close-to-forever. THEN, when my growing Impatience had finally pulverized my Common Sense in a *****-fight, I picked up the oh-so-fun habit of vomiting. Again, it started as a way to eat "normally" (or what I considered normal), and lose weight. It was a magical way to avoid dieting. Voila!

I only wanted to lose 50lbs. So, I lost 50lbs, for which I was highly commended by friends, family, and my pediatrician. But I figured just to be safe I should lose 10 more, you know, in case I gain it back. So, I lost 10 more... Well, that weight felt so good I wanted to lose just a bit more... and a bit more... and a bit more (sound familiar??). The lowest weight I ever saw on the scale was 115lb, a little after my 16th birthday. A weight I hadn't seen since the fourth grade. (May not sound all that low, but remember: we all have different body types-- believe me, I was skin and bones.)

My mom knew what was going on... she wasn't stupid. I cried many times begging her to help me. Telling her, "I'm not comfortable eating a cumulative amount of food larger than a granola bar without throwing it up." I eventually consented to be checked into an eating disorder clinic. I remember feeling "fat" the day we went to see the establishment and thinking They'll never believe I have an eating disorder.

About a week later, on March 28, 2003, the school nurse came up to me in the cafeteria during lunch, grabbed my arm and said "You're a walking heart attack; we need to get you to the hospital." Nice. My blood-work had come back with remarkably low potassium levels.

To make a long story short, I went to the Children's Hospital (since I was 16) for a week and on April 4th (the night I missed my Junior Prom) I was shipped off to the eating disorder clinic for a month. I "recovered" for a while.. but SINCE THEN, I believe the longest consecutive period of time I've ever gone without purging has been a week.

The biggest problem is, I'm not trying to lose weight. I don't even feel compelled to purge after regular meals. The sickest part is that the BP cycle has become an event... something I do FOR FUN.

I want this to end. I want it to be over. I try. On a daily basis, I try. Yesterday was a success! Today was a success!.. until about 1am...

They tell "addicts" that in order to completely recover, they cannot "ween" themselves off of the addiction. No, with addicts, it's strictly cold-turkey: they need to eliminate the addictive substance from their lives completely. ...Not necessarily a helpful philosophy in the land of eating disorders.

...I'm addicted to food. Since I were a babe... Riddle me this: how do I re-learn eating? Help.

Snoopy7Chaplin Snoopy7Chaplin
22-25, F
Feb 28, 2010