What I Do.

I have been struggling with this for nearly 8 years, and still have not managed to get my life "back on track".  For me, it is a stop-start issue.  I can manage for months not binging, not purging... then slowly I start eating more and more, and the feelings of being "full" become harder and harder to deal with.  I battle my own self every time I eat something to not get rid of it... and if I don't, I then have to hold off on any other food until I think it's alright to eat again... sometimes days.  When I purge, I have to follow certain guidlines I have set for myself... a system, I suppose.  Everything has to be exactly the same every time.  It's compulsive.  This is the biggest problem I have ever dealt with in my life.  My parents, my live-in boyfriend, my closest friends know that I USED to be like this... they have no idea that I still am.  They know I am "weird" with food... that I only buy fat free, low fat, and low calorie foods for my home.  But even with the so-called "good" food, I cannot stop myself from getting rid of it.  I read the nutritional labels on all foods I even consider buying when I am at the grocery store.  My boyfriend will no longer shop with me due to the insane length of time I spend trying to buy food.  I look down on people who eat fried, fatty crap, but really I'm just envious.  I wish I could eat whatever I want and feel ok with who I am.  I don't know what I look like, I don't know how large or small I am.  I measure myself almost daily, but I don't know why, I don't know what those numbers mean... to me it's always too big.  I don't think I'll ever weight myself and think it's ok.  It'll always be too big, or too much. 

ErinAllison ErinAllison
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 2, 2010

Ugh. I have bulimia too and have lied so many times telling people that I have stopped when in reality I CANT stop. I have never stopped. It's so hard dealing with this and I wish I could make it all go away, I feel like I am living in a dream or someone's nightmare. I wish I could flip a switch and become normal. I feel for you. I understand.