"my Personal Experience"

I don't know if I even have a problem

I've researched bulimia more than I research school-work and i know the diagnosis of binging and purging twice a week for three months and I don't fit it, so I probably shouldn't be here typing and this and wasting all your time but i'm really afraid, 

i dont know what of? 

i even fail at bulimia. wow. 

i dont know why i do it, it's like something takes hold and then i can't stop and i feel so guilty for typing this because i know there's so many more people in the world who do this on a daily basis and what i feel is nothing compared to what they must feel.

this is so pathetic, i am sorry for wasting your time :S 

daisychainsss daisychainsss
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 6, 2010

Research "ednos". Stands for Eating Disorder not otherwise specified. If your eating habits are causing you to fear for your health and well being, yet you don't fall into the category of the big A (anorexia) or B(bulimia), you still deserve help. I wish I would have known about ednos 5 years ago. Having a label for something makes it so much easier to address as a serious problem. Now get ready for a long story if you think it may help...<br />
As soon as I graduated high school, I moved thousands of miles away from home with my stepmother and my dad. My mom divorced my dad a few years earlier due to his constant physically and verbally abusive nature. Somehow, my stepmother convinced me that my dad did some serious soul searching and is a changed man. And if I wanted to experience what a stable, loving family was supposed to be like, i would move in with them and her two daughters. My mom was emotionally drained and we weren't getting along. I was unhappy at home. So there was a part of me that wanted to forgive my dad for the destruction he caused. Scary to admit I see so much of myself in him. And they had horses. How could I say no? So I packed my things and headed west for a better life.<br />
..Leave it to me to find things out the hard way. My stepmother dangled the carrot, I took the bait, and was reeled into the life of an evil, resented, scapegoat stepchild. I was treated like absolute garbage. Yes, my dad was a completely different person. When my parents were together, he was a total control freak. His new wife somehow sucked him dry of any sign of independence and she assumed the new role of control freak. I only lasted a year out there before I finally hopped on a plane back home. Towards the end of my stay, I was chained more tightly than I have ever felt in my entire life. my god, she fought tooth and nail to control every aspect of my life. When I say every aspect, that is not an exaggeration. I wasn't as pliable as she thought i would be. I wasn't going to give in as easily as my dad did. I never called that place 'home'. It was a war zone. <br />
I reverted to my bulimic habits, though not often enough to really put a label on it. I would keep the food down more often than not. Every time there was something sweet in the house; Chocolate chips, frosting, poptarts, I would consume the entire contents of whatever it was. That got me in even more trouble. I figured they just didn't understand the fact that there was reasoning behind my behavior. I wasn't a stranger to eating disorders in my own experiences, so i knew I had something (though not as serious as in the past) that was threatening to consume my life. I didn't want to go through with an eating disorder again. It took so much out of my life. I wanted help. So, in my last attempt to test out this "healthy family" theory, I sat down with my dad and Stepmother and told them I had been falling back into some bulimic tendencies. I didn't get the reaction I was expecting. Actually, I didn't get much of a reaction at all. Later on, I found out from my sister that stepmom believed I was making it up to get attention. If I was really bulimic, I would be losing weight, not staying the same. So in turn, I earned even more resentment from the 'family' and deemed a liar. Burn. ouch. Anybody who truly knows me, knows that I never thrive for attention. All my life, I have been just the opposite of an attention *****. I thrive in the shadows and reach out only in desperation for help. That was the last time i took a risk on who to trust. <br />
So make sure to know and understand your issue so you can tackle it NOW. It is not healthy, potentially dangerous, and a gateway to more serious complications if left untouched. Although it has been years since I moved out of my hell on earth, I have developed a full blown case of bulimia, and it could have been prevented. Whenever you feel troubled, afraid, or compelled towards the behaviors you are experiencing, write your heart out. Hundreds of us are listening.

you are not wasting our time. and you are right if you are worried. my advice is stop it. now while you still can.. i mean do you really think i started binging and purging three times at day every day, well you are wrong i started do in it twice a week or everytime i felt like it.. but now, now i can't stop! and its horrible, its overwhelming.. if you ever need to talk im here.. and really you still have a choice.