Trying to accept Myself

Hello, Im new to this, so please just bare with me as i share my story..

I'm 20, I have a beautiful daughter, and am marrying the man of my dreams in 3 months

I have been bulimic for about 4/5 years now, it began after i started the bernstine diet back in 2006. I was a over weight child/teen all my life, my first offical weigh in at the clinic i was 255, i followed there strict guidelines and lost over 80 pounds as they directed me to, As a child i would tell myself every day "today im not gonna eat, i'll just save myself for dinner, im going to be annorexic" well.. then my mom had pancakes for breakfest and i told myself i'll try again tomorrow. The more weight i lost, the longer it was taking to come off(assuming because there wasnt as much to come off) I finally tried purging, I have yet to bring myself to actually go to a meeting for this, seek a counsellor, even come out to my parents because i am soo scared of dissapointment. My mom caught me twice back when i was 17, told me if i ever did this again she was going to send me to councellor, so i just hid it from her. My fiance knows about this, He sure isnt stupid and can manage to count the time i will go to the bathroom. Its very hard for me to write this.. Im at the point where i am so tired mentally, physically, stressing about eating and how am i gonna get to the nearest bathroom, drinking 5 pops in one meal just to soften up the food, This has taken over my life, Ive been so depressed and I need to put a stop to this, I want to begin my life fresh with my husband to be, We have been talking about trying to conceive again after the wedding and hes told me he will not put our child through that danger if i cant get myself under control, (right now id say i purge about 4-5, maybe even more depending if i snack during the day or not) and i agree with him, i did it in my first pregnancy, she was 2 months premature, they couldnt find anything wrong with my placenta but a part of me thinks maybe i wasnt giving her all the nutrition i could have...either way. For those you are "clean" how did you do it? Im trying soooo hard to take it a day at a time, but i feel like ive accomplished nothing even if its a little less then the day before, i still resorted to it, which makes me feel awful.. I feel like i cant enjoy the simple things in life that so many people can. i am so blessed and have such an amazing life. and i want to embrace it but im so trapped, and the idea of changing this person ive been for so long is soooo hard, i will step on the scale atleast 10 times a day just to keep track of myself... So this is me, sharing my experience in hopes to finding my own strength to over come this

sheri01 sheri01
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 7, 2010

That is EXACTLY it, im depressed because i do it, Im depressed because i dont understand portion control of foods, i could easily eat 5 pounds worth of food, step on the scale and be freaking out, and in less that 5 minutes be back down to my regular weight. People will say "im so jealous of you, you look so great" even worse my mom will say "Sweetie i dont understand it i have friends who did the bernstine and after stopping have totally gained all the weight back, you on the other hand are smaller from when you stopped, and you eat so much at dinner" a part of me thinks she knows i have some kind of dissorder i just dont think she wants to believe its this. A part of me wants to say for the sake of my apperance that i want to continue to do this because its the only habbit i know of working so i will fit into my dress and look nice but i know after this wedding i will come up with another reason to want to continue doing and almost convince myself, okay well we'll just stop after that. I promised myself after writing this i was going to try and i really have been, it seems like really its only after dinner (which is my favorite meal) i will purge, and if i snack on something horrible, its telling myself "okay that apple you're eating isnt gonna put 2 pounds on the scale tomorrow morning so just keep it down, enjoy it" but its like even eating something so small will cause me to panic and when i sit in the bathroom, something in my head is saying "just do it, get it out of your body, its gonna put more weight on"

You're very brave; your story moves me.<br />
I was overweight as well. About 200lbs (at 5'5 age 14).<br />
<br />
It's funny because those clinics your mom threatened to send you to? My mom *did* (I was 17, too). All they do there is try to convince you there's some underlying problem-- unrelated to weight-- that is causing the disorder so that they can treat THAT. <br />
<br />
In my experience and opinion, if my disorder was a "symptom" of depression-- if I used it as a coping mechanism when I was upset-- I believe it'd be (somewhat) easier to give it up... it seems simple: replace it with another, healthier coping mechanism.<br />
<br />
But my disorder is about a love of food and a fear of weight gain. Plain and simple.<br />
<br />
I wish I had a better relationship with food. I see people eat what they want (but not tooooo much) like it's nothing. They don't give it a second thought. And yet just the thoughts themselves consume us in this hell.<br />
<br />
I wish I could give you more encouraging words... My recovery is *still* a dizzying cycle of good days and bad. I'm 23 now. I've been fluctuating around the same 10-15lbs for about 2 years, but especially when I hit those higher numbers, I panic.. and I wish I just didn't care...