Lost

it was the week after my nineteenth birthday, i believe it all started after my class and i came back from valencia. then it all became real. because it had been looming over me for a long time before it all started.

the most brilliant pupil in the class, yet so ashamed of myself, so insecure that i've never been completely able to show my body to the mirror. my body bulged back and forward so many times that every time it was a shock.

january the 4th, 2009. went out with him, almost had sex for the first time in my life, but didn't, he left to reach his girlfriend, ten years older than him in some tropical island.

i'd had lost weight, being so busy to keep up both working and studying. i felt good for the first time in my life, guys looking at me, asking me out.

then i lost my friends, my best friends, words that couldn't be uttered filled their absence. they didn't understand, i could see their look in their eyes whispering to my ailing breast it was my fault. they couldn't even look at me in the eyes. me neither, although for other reasons, i was ashamed of myself.

it wasn't that bad at the beginning.

ireland. italian girl looking for a job, couldn't find one, it got worse.

[...]

i've gained weight, i look at myself and all i see is ****, pensive **** with disproportioned body and black signs under her eyes.

and two red signs on my hand, like moon-wedges on an ocean of white skin. nobody can see it, it's just me.

can you tell me your story? i can't help you as much as i would like to, but your words might fill me with all i've lost and free you a bit..

pucci pucci
18-21, F
6 Responses Mar 8, 2010

Hi Briblack 57,<br />
Thank you for writing me.<br />
<br />
What is the limit to beauty? Are you beautiful because you weigh 160lbs, because you weigh 140 lbs? Because you weigh 130 lbs?<br />
Or is beauty something deeper? Something that comes from acceptance? From believing that we are unique, maybe not beautiful according to someone else's schemes.<br />
What I believe is that it is good to be healthy, and do treat our body as something precious.<br />
No, you are not going to lose weigh becoming bulimic, or puking, or trying lax. You are going to eat a lot more, if the mirror is your problem. Because after puking, you would feel nothing has changed, you would get mad at yourself. And start eating again to show the madness you have inside. I know that by experience.<br />
If your problem is something else, maybe your relationship with your mother, becoming bulimic won't solve the situation either. You will learn to depend on yourself alone, without solving the real problem, without externalising it to the right person. And the entire world will be set around this, around your being strong, yet fragile - which is not contradictiory, because the opposite of being strong is being weak.<br />
What have I done? I have kept myself busy, so that I had no time to think, I had to go from one place to the other. So I had to walk, and lost weigh at the same time. Try not to stay at home, alone. Then you will feel restrained, and helped, and sustained, and happier so that you will eat less.

its funny im not looking for help im 16 i weigh 225 lbs an i hate my self iv been tryin lax and puking an i keep telling my self if i keep this up il be skinny il be beautiful an i honestly think i will im not gonna do it til im skin an bones just til i look better i wanna be 160lbs an i honestly think if i keep this up i will be. my mom knows she proud that im doing something bout my weight but she doesnt understand shes real small weighing 120 she so pretty an i think its so gross be bigger than her but idk but do u think eventually il be there if i keep it up???

le vent nous portera wind will take us there<br />
<br />
la caresse et la mitraille the caress and the machine gun<br />
<br />
Je n'ai pas peur de la route i'm not afraid of the path<br />
<br />
Faudrait voir, faut qu'on y goûte it will be necessary to see, it is necessary to taste it<br />
Et tout ira bien là and all will be fine<br />
<br />
Des taxis pour les galaxies taxis to the galaxies<br />
Et mon tapis volant dis ? and my magic carpet, you say?<br />
<br />
Tout disparaîtra mais everything will disappear but<br />
Le vent nous portera wind will take us there<br />
<br />
<br />
thank you Hilfmir2010 for writing me. it means a lot to me.<br />
i hope you feel a bit better now, that you have found comfort in someone else or something else.<br />
<br />
please, do write me how your personal battle is getting on. i'm eager to know.<br />
<br />
last week it was my birthday. the 17th March, they say it is a lucky day to we born in, being St. Patrick's Day here in Ireland. <br />
<br />
they all wrote me, causing a major breakdown.<br />
<br />
i wrote them, told them i was sorry, that it was all my fault the fact i had believed they had needed me, they had been my friends.<br />
<br />
it's just me against the world once again, and against my self, who dictates somewhere inside me without any chance of control.<br />
<br />
but i'm not afraid anymore.

Your words have such a poetic ring to them. Reminds me of my journals from when I first became sick. I was a freshmen in high school. Seems like yesterday, even though it was nearly 10 years ago. Those times were so dark and uncertain to me. I was withdrawn from the world and ultimately ashamed with what I had become. I would NEVER talk about my eating disorder. In fact, I never really talked at all. I wasn't oblivious to the fact that everyone who laid eyes on me could tell I was sick. None the less, I held on to my "secret" like it was all I had. And the only way I knew how to express that was through my art. I would constantly sketch and write. But, even in my writing, I was so secretive...Like every word was a cryptic message that only I could decode. Maybe it was out of fear that someone else would read it (though I was the only known person able to read my own writing) or that I was afraid to directly face my demons. Probably both. It is 10 years later, and I have relapsed. Using the skills I learned from beating this once, I am taking a more aggressive approach to beating this again. I have no $ or health insurance, so I am doing this on my own. Day one is going well. Having the stories and support of others has already straightened so much that has been jumbled up in this brain of mine. And, as you said yourself, i really hope my words can fill you with what you have lost, because every time I write, I am freed a bit. Keep it up.

Your words have such a poetic ring to them. Reminds me of my journals from when I first became sick. I was a freshmen in high school. Seems like yesterday, even though it was nearly 10 years ago. Those times were so dark and uncertain to me. I was withdrawn from the world and ultimately ashamed with what I had become. I would NEVER talk about my eating disorder. In fact, I never really talked at all. I wasn't oblivious to the fact that everyone who laid eyes on me could tell I was sick. None the less, I held on to my "secret" like it was all I had. And the only way I knew how to express that was through my art. I would constantly sketch and write. But, even in my writing, I was so secretive...Like every word was a cryptic message that only I could decode. Maybe it was out of fear that someone else would read it (though I was the only known person able to read my own writing) or that I was afraid to directly face my demons. Probably both. It is 10 years later, and I have relapsed. Using the skills I learned from beating this once, I am taking a more aggressive approach to beating this again. I have no $ or health insurance, so I am doing this on my own. Day one is going well. Having the stories and support of others has already straightened so much that has been jumbled up in this brain of mine. And, as you said yourself, i really hope my words can fill you with what you have lost, because every time I write, I am freed a bit. Keep it up.

confessionary<br />
<br />
hi norma.<br />
please, tell me your story.<br />
<br />
i want to be there for you, because nobody's here for me. because nobody can enter this life, if you don't share it.<br />
<br />
(i don't know how to write you on private, i hope you'll see this message in any case)