An Unorthodox Wish

So I was flipping through channels and stopped on The Secret Life of Bees (out of boredom and/or dumb curiosity.. not sure which...).


When my boyfriend came into the room I announced my newest revelation:

"I wish I were like Queen Latifa... I want to be a big beautiful black woman," I (half) jested.


The heart of that statement really is that I want to allow myself to not care about weight. At all!

I'd love to be "healthy," sure. But really, I want to get to the point where I can eat whatever, and not feel guilty. Not worry about the pounds. Even as they compound! I want to gain 30lbs and still know I'm beautiful.

The problem is, I'm still terrified of that. I want it. But it still scares me.


He suggested hypnotherapy.

Not gonna lie, since this disorder started (2000?), that's the single most insightful suggestion a boyfriend of mine has ever made.

Snoopy7Chaplin Snoopy7Chaplin
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 10, 2010

Before the eating disorders nestled their way into my life, I was a fat kid. Fat and happy. I never cared what other people think. Proud to say that I still don't. I was 13 years old, 5'7", and got my weight down to 97lbs before I hit rock bottom and sought help. The one thing that I longed for most were the care free fat kid days. I worked hard and recovered from Anorexia/bulimia. I was overjoyed when I reached 130 because that meant I was healthy enough to play hockey again, and I was able to maintain that. Once again, I was free from the choke hold of calorie counting, mirrors and scales. I ate healthy, played rough, and was even able to eat a bit of junk food in moderation without the guilty side effect. That was the happiest I had been in my life. That was about 10 years ago. Somewhere between then and now, I let myself go completely. Literally, I quit caring about healthy living. I adapted to the lifestyle of my boyfriend at the time: fast food and beer. Moderation was no longer in my vocabulary and I was sedentary. Must have reached at least 170. I wasn't happy. Not happy in that relationship, not happy with how I was treating my body. So I dumped the loser and whipped myself back into shape. Life couldn't be any better...Right? Wrong. I must have triggered an 'oh so farmiliar' coping mechanism while I was in the process of losing weight. Even though I was doing it the healthy way. Once I reached my goal, I couldn't (and still can't) stop losing weight. So here I am joining online support groups trying to figure out whats up. So my advice to you, is to know your mind and how it responds to (in lack of better terms) life. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other. Find a happy balance in your life. As human beings, that is the most effective way to live at peace.